Monday, November 24, 2008

Can I Get a Hook-up?

I want to meet George Lucas. I want to talk face to face with the man who created the genius that is Star Wars. I want him to understand how he has changed my life. I want him to spend an entire week at my house having nothing but Star Wars conversations and watching nothing but various adaptations of Star Wars movies and cartoons. Then I want him to see the hole I have in my heel from the Star Wars Legos that I step on weekly. I want him to see the cost of the Star Wars items that we have purchased over the years and that are on my son's current Xmas list and then open his wallet and offer me a customer loyalty rebate. I want him to personally invite me to the beautifully decorated home in which he now lives thanks to the revenues from said Star Wars Merchandise. Because I am absolutely certain that without my family's support he would be facing bankruptcy right now.

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Announcing Patriotic Moments!!

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Monday, November 17, 2008

Blackie Chan has Issues

Remember my cat? Blackie Chan? The Ninja Feline with cat-like reflexes? Blackie Chan has issues. We are in discussions now regarding his issues. One of those issues is his desire to stuffed animals. It made Little Man mad that the cat was trying to "have babies" with Little Man's "Bunkey." He's old enough now (the cat, not Little Man!) to go see the vet for removal of his manhood. I'm wondering how it will affect Blackie Chan's ninja moves. We may have to change his name.

Blackie Chan also has breathing issues. He wakes my boys up sometimes because he breathes so loud! I think he may have chronic sinusitus. Or asthma. I have never heard a cat breathe so loud. It's like irritating loud.

He talks to us alot. When he doesn't know where we are in the house he walks around making these little conversational mews. When you call him he talks back. When you pet him he talks and purrs. He's very vocal. Just like everyone else in the house. It's cute. Until 5 am in the morning when he's ready for everyone to wake up and wants to be in our room. Then it's just irritating and rude.

Then there is the whole litter box thing. Blackie Chan has the toilet habits of a pig. He's the worst! I already have 3 men with poor aim to clean up after, I don't need another! I thought this came natural to cats! It's not that he misses the box, he just flings the litter all over trying to cover up his mess. Like ALL OVER! Not just a few tiny pieces, like PAWFULS! And he must pee like 8,000 times a day. I'm sure the vet will have something to say about that. Something that will cost me lots of money.

My kids just wanted a pet. I ended up getting a horny, talkative, psycho-ninja cat with asthma and an over-active bladder. Now that I think about it, he fits in to this dysfunctional home just fine.

Thursday, November 6, 2008

Retake Day!!

Today is school picture retake day.
Little Man has to try again because his eyes were halfway closed on the first set.

Hopefully we will get something better this time around. I'm kind of done paying for crap pictures.

I have enough of those at home.

Sunday, November 2, 2008

My Big Fat Delirious Sugar Induced Blog Post

Anyone else laying on the couch with a Halloween Candy Headache? I think I ate more sugar this weekend than I have all year.

In retrospect, I can see that I did not prepare myself for this night of sweets. Having given up soda a few months ago, I failed to realize that I am still struggling with sugar withdrawl. AAUUGGHHH! I had no plan! How could I have left myself so open and vulnerable? On top of it, I am totally hormonal, so chocolate is callin' my name, all day long! "Hey...fat girl! It's me. Hershey. I got my friend here too. Baby Ruth. Just so you know, girl, we're here for you. No pressure, though. Just lettin' ya know. We're here. We ain't leavin'. So you know, stop by and check out our new wrappers when ya get a minute. They're cool. Then you can say Hi to Reeses while you're by the bowl. So yeah...that's it. By the way...Pepsi says to tell you hi and that He misses you!"

And so, I checked out the wrappers. Many wrappers. The outside of the wrappers were cool, but I had to see the inside of the wrappers too. And not just chocolate wrappers. Cause after I had some chocolate I had to balance that taste out with some fruity flavors, so I chawed down some Laffy Taffy and Starbursts. (No Skittles this year, in either bowl. I checked. Because I like to sort them by color before I eat them by color group.) Then the headache hit. Dang! Hershey set me up!

There are 2 good pieces of news here. I did not break into the giant Pixie Stick, which would have left my tongue covered with cancor sores and would have seriously brought me to a new low in Halloween Candy Hijacking.

The other good piece of news: 4 small bottles of Pepsi sit in the fridge untouched. The love affair is definitely over. more good piece of news! I am so sick from my sugar OD this weekend that I am seriously craving vegetables. Why don't carrots and spinach invite me over to look at their wrappers more often? Oh wrappers. No matter, my body hears their whispers tonight and tomorrow I will be conversing with a nice green salad. "Hi fat girl! Hey, it's been awhile! So glad you're here! We love it when you stop by, especially while we are still fresh and new! Wow! You should see the crap in your gut down here. You probably better stay close to home today. You know, carrot and I have lots of fiber, unlike those other guys you've been hangin with, which may activate your...umm...potty issues. Sure wish you'd choose better friends. Just sayin'. Anywhoo...just toss back a few more radishes and we'll take care of the rest. Love ya!"