Reconnaissance or Bad Landing?

As a Boymom, there are things I see in my home that I don't think Girlmoms see very often, if at all.  Like this:

It's a toy paratrooper.  Hanging out of one of my kitchen drawers.  I happened to catch him out of the corner of my eye as I was grabbing my purse this morning.  He kind of caught me off guard.  It's not something I expected to see at 8 a.m. in the morning. 

So I immediately did what any other good Boymom would do and started talking to the guy.  "Hey Dude!  How long have you been hanging here?  Let's see if we can get you untangled and to a more stable location, away from enemy fire."  As I was talking I noticed Blackie Chan the Ninja Cat staring at me.  I couldn't tell if he thought I was talking to him or if he was mad that I was removing a potential play toy from his path.  Either way, he looked disgusted with me. 

I started to open the drawer to remove the guy, then didn't.  I know.  I KNOW!!  How could I leave that poor paratrooper just hanging there, waiting to be attacked? Well...because it occured to me that this guy might be there because someone wanted him there.  He might be part of an elaborately strategized battle plan that I know nothing about and by removing him, I might sway the entire outcome of this war reinactment.  I didn't want to be responsible for that. 

I've done that before, you know.  Ruined an entire 2 weeks of planning and staging, along with the outcome of a major battle because I moved 1 army guy from his post on the bathroom counter to the top of a dresser.  It was utter chaos for 15 minutes while everyone had to adjust strategies and move guys around to compensate for mom's lack of military training and knowledge. It was a big "Duh, Mom" moment that I don't care to repeat. 

After almost 12 years of raising boys, I've learned my lesson:  Leave the army guys where you find them. 

Sad for Paratrooper Man, but safe for Boymom.

Blackie Chan is NOT Living Up to His Name!

I'm beginning to wonder about the implied Ninja skills that Blackie Chan exhibited when he was a kitten. I think he faked us out so we would keep him. Because I am becoming painfully aware, as is Blackie Chan, that his Ninja skills are...lame.

Blackie Chan's nights out have come to a screeching halt for a few days and maybe forever. I found him sitting at the back door the other night just staring in. Not even a meow. Just staring. So I opened the door, he walked in and immediately laid down on the carpet. The first thing I noticed is that he was absolutley covered with dirt and breathing really hard. He looked weird. When I went to roll him over he hissed and swiped at me. What the heck? Dude! I feed you! Then I noticed that his eyes and nose were packed with dirt. When he got up to go get a drink he was moving very slowly and it was obvious he was in pain. That's when I saw that he was covered with bite marks and little tufts of hair were falling off of him! OH MY GOSH!

It was apparent that Blackie Chan had been on the losing end of some kind of a fight. I don't think it was a cat fight, there were no scratches, just lots of little bite marks. None of them were really deep, it was like they just scraped the fur and skin off. But they were everywhere around his neck and upper back! Something gnawed on him pretty good! I'm thinking maybe it was a really old dog or coyote with bad teeth!

So we put him in the shower, which he hated and had to pour cups of water over him to get enough dirt off to see what happened. In the end, he wasn't hurt really bad, just kind of skinned up. No open cuts or scratches. But he was definitely sore, he slept for 2 days and would not let us hold him.

Blackie Chan has to face the fact that he has no skills to be an outside cat. All of his Ninja moves are strictly for show. He's one of those cats that talks a good game but can't back it up! Then again, maybe I'm wrong and his Ninja skills are what helped him escape! Maybe he used his kitty nunchucks to distract and inflict pain, thereby escaping a whole pack of Cryp Gang Coyotes! Maybe he was doing some wicked Ninja moves while he was walking along the fence and fell into the back yard of those 2 mean dogs that live next to the girly cat house and he had to go all Chuck Norris on their butts to get out alive.

But looking at those bite marks, I can't help but wonder if I am giving him too much credit. He probably just went over to tease Eddie the Weiner Dog and got caught unaware when he was showing off because Eddie's stuck in the back yard all the time. You know, doing the "Im in your yard, I'm outta your yard. In the yard, out of the yard. In. Out" thing. Eddie probably jumped him from behind because he was tired of BC running his mouth. Since Weiner Dogs have no skills, the only thing he could do was gnaw at Blackie Chan with those little Weiner Dog teeth. Blackie Chan probably couldn't find his way out from under Eddie's mile long body and panicked and started rolling around in the dirt trying to get away, instead of letting his Ninja training take over. I'm sure eventually, Blackie Chan finally begged for Eddie to let him up. "Okay, dude! I'm sorry! I'm sorry! You are NOT a meat substitute or a dog by-product. Weiner dogs...OW!! OW!! Okay, sorry! DACHSHUNDS...are valuable and important members of the animal kingdom! Now can you please let me up?"

I am sure that when Eddie let him up Blackie Chan ran to the edge of the fence and hollered back something to the effect of "Whatever, Loser!" because he couldn't think of anything clever to say (neither can I at the moment). Humiliated by a weiner dog, he slunk across the yard to the back door, which is where this post started.

So he must be over the embarassment, because he's standing at the back door ready to head out again today. Maybe's he's been formulating an awesome Ninja attack to get back at the gang who rolled him the other night. Or maybe he has a really awesome verbal assault ready for Eddie. Or maybe he's just stupid and didn't learn his lesson about nature.

I'm not sure Blackie Chan can handle the rigors of outdoor life. I haven't decided if he will get to go outside again. I have decided that he is definitely wearing a flea collar though and in the next few weeks he will finally be minus his furry little man parts that make him want to seek out creatures of the night. Maybe they get in his way when he is trying to use his awesome Ninja Prowess to outwit and outmaneuver the enemy. Yeah. I'm sure that's what it is.

Blackie Chan has Issues

Remember my cat? Blackie Chan? The Ninja Feline with cat-like reflexes? Blackie Chan has issues. We are in discussions now regarding his issues. One of those issues is his desire to ummm...love stuffed animals. It made Little Man mad that the cat was trying to "have babies" with Little Man's "Bunkey." He's old enough now (the cat, not Little Man!) to go see the vet for removal of his manhood. I'm wondering how it will affect Blackie Chan's ninja moves. We may have to change his name.

Blackie Chan also has breathing issues. He wakes my boys up sometimes because he breathes so loud! I think he may have chronic sinusitus. Or asthma. I have never heard a cat breathe so loud. It's like irritating loud.

He talks to us alot. When he doesn't know where we are in the house he walks around making these little conversational mews. When you call him he talks back. When you pet him he talks and purrs. He's very vocal. Just like everyone else in the house. It's cute. Until 5 am in the morning when he's ready for everyone to wake up and wants to be in our room. Then it's just irritating and rude.

Then there is the whole litter box thing. Blackie Chan has the toilet habits of a pig. He's the worst! I already have 3 men with poor aim to clean up after, I don't need another! I thought this came natural to cats! It's not that he misses the box, he just flings the litter all over trying to cover up his mess. Like ALL OVER! Not just a few tiny pieces, like PAWFULS! And he must pee like 8,000 times a day. I'm sure the vet will have something to say about that. Something that will cost me lots of money.

My kids just wanted a pet. I ended up getting a horny, talkative, psycho-ninja cat with asthma and an over-active bladder. Now that I think about it, he fits in to this dysfunctional home just fine.