Blackie Chan is NOT Living Up to His Name!

I'm beginning to wonder about the implied Ninja skills that Blackie Chan exhibited when he was a kitten. I think he faked us out so we would keep him. Because I am becoming painfully aware, as is Blackie Chan, that his Ninja skills are...lame.

Blackie Chan's nights out have come to a screeching halt for a few days and maybe forever. I found him sitting at the back door the other night just staring in. Not even a meow. Just staring. So I opened the door, he walked in and immediately laid down on the carpet. The first thing I noticed is that he was absolutley covered with dirt and breathing really hard. He looked weird. When I went to roll him over he hissed and swiped at me. What the heck? Dude! I feed you! Then I noticed that his eyes and nose were packed with dirt. When he got up to go get a drink he was moving very slowly and it was obvious he was in pain. That's when I saw that he was covered with bite marks and little tufts of hair were falling off of him! OH MY GOSH!

It was apparent that Blackie Chan had been on the losing end of some kind of a fight. I don't think it was a cat fight, there were no scratches, just lots of little bite marks. None of them were really deep, it was like they just scraped the fur and skin off. But they were everywhere around his neck and upper back! Something gnawed on him pretty good! I'm thinking maybe it was a really old dog or coyote with bad teeth!

So we put him in the shower, which he hated and had to pour cups of water over him to get enough dirt off to see what happened. In the end, he wasn't hurt really bad, just kind of skinned up. No open cuts or scratches. But he was definitely sore, he slept for 2 days and would not let us hold him.

Blackie Chan has to face the fact that he has no skills to be an outside cat. All of his Ninja moves are strictly for show. He's one of those cats that talks a good game but can't back it up! Then again, maybe I'm wrong and his Ninja skills are what helped him escape! Maybe he used his kitty nunchucks to distract and inflict pain, thereby escaping a whole pack of Cryp Gang Coyotes! Maybe he was doing some wicked Ninja moves while he was walking along the fence and fell into the back yard of those 2 mean dogs that live next to the girly cat house and he had to go all Chuck Norris on their butts to get out alive.

But looking at those bite marks, I can't help but wonder if I am giving him too much credit. He probably just went over to tease Eddie the Weiner Dog and got caught unaware when he was showing off because Eddie's stuck in the back yard all the time. You know, doing the "Im in your yard, I'm outta your yard. In the yard, out of the yard. In. Out" thing. Eddie probably jumped him from behind because he was tired of BC running his mouth. Since Weiner Dogs have no skills, the only thing he could do was gnaw at Blackie Chan with those little Weiner Dog teeth. Blackie Chan probably couldn't find his way out from under Eddie's mile long body and panicked and started rolling around in the dirt trying to get away, instead of letting his Ninja training take over. I'm sure eventually, Blackie Chan finally begged for Eddie to let him up. "Okay, dude! I'm sorry! I'm sorry! You are NOT a meat substitute or a dog by-product. Weiner dogs...OW!! OW!! Okay, sorry! DACHSHUNDS...are valuable and important members of the animal kingdom! Now can you please let me up?"

I am sure that when Eddie let him up Blackie Chan ran to the edge of the fence and hollered back something to the effect of "Whatever, Loser!" because he couldn't think of anything clever to say (neither can I at the moment). Humiliated by a weiner dog, he slunk across the yard to the back door, which is where this post started.

So he must be over the embarassment, because he's standing at the back door ready to head out again today. Maybe's he's been formulating an awesome Ninja attack to get back at the gang who rolled him the other night. Or maybe he has a really awesome verbal assault ready for Eddie. Or maybe he's just stupid and didn't learn his lesson about nature.

I'm not sure Blackie Chan can handle the rigors of outdoor life. I haven't decided if he will get to go outside again. I have decided that he is definitely wearing a flea collar though and in the next few weeks he will finally be minus his furry little man parts that make him want to seek out creatures of the night. Maybe they get in his way when he is trying to use his awesome Ninja Prowess to outwit and outmaneuver the enemy. Yeah. I'm sure that's what it is.

Blackie Chan's Big Night Out

Blackie Chan, a.k.a. Psycho Ninja Cat, has made the transition from indoor cat to indoor/outdoor cat. It was not an easy choice because I don't happen to like parasites and I am afraid him being outside a lot will bring fleas and other weird little things into my house. I already have enough weird little things in here! And I'm not sure he's smart enough to avoid the coyotes.

After a full month of his constant yowling and whining (yeah...He WHINES!), I finally had enough and let him out. He was gone the whole night and I figured it was over and I had lost my cat. When he showed up at the backdoor the next morning he was MORE than ready to come in. He ate and slept and we did not hear ONE peep out of him for 3 days.

So here's my theory of what happened that night:

Cat: Wow! Freedom! Later, lady...I am SO out of here. Gonna go find some ack-shun.

Jumps fence, heads toward neighbor's house. Meets Eddie, the weiner dog.

"Eddie! My weiner man! Whazzuup! I'm out man, let's hang!

Eddie: "Back off, you freak of nature. I don't "hang" with cats, and certainly not with wanna-be, whimpy HOUSE cats like you. You are so weak, dude! Actin' like you're all about somethin' now because you're outside. Lame, bruthuh...lame."

Cat: "Whatever, Weinerman...all I know is I'm outside walkin' the hood and you're still behind that gate, so who's the lame one now, bro! OH! How ya like me now, Hot Dog? How ya like me now?"

Continues the walk down the road toward the house that smells all girly. Finds out the house before the girly house has BIG dogs in the backyard!

Cat: "Whoa, whoa, whoa! Hey guys! What's up? Didn't know you guys lived here, I'm kinda new in the neighborhood. Well, not new, just new to being out IN the neighborhood, ya know? So anyway, sorry to disturb you guys, my name's BC. Who are you guys?"

Dogs: "PUNK! Don't you know who yo messin' wif, yo? Punk thinks we wanna make friends, all up in our space actin' like he gonna be friends! I eat punks like you for dinner, man. Get you cat-butt outta here before we use you fo a chew toy! (talking to other dog...You believe that shizzle? Come up in OUR yard talkin' like he gonna hang wit' us.)"

Cat walks off with his tail puffed up like a bottle cleaner, all arched and trying to look tough, even though his legs are shaking like jello.

Thinks to self: "Duhammn! Those dogs was rough! I'll be takin' the LONG way around that place, I almost peed they scared me so bad. Well, you know, not like scared scared, just a little uptight, you know, like I might hafta get ready to defend myself or suh-in. Now where is that hot lil kitten I smell? Gotsta find that girl and make a booty call! "

Just then BC hears a little girly meow: "Hey girl! How you doin'? I been lookin' for you. Almost got my tail ate off by some big ole' canines trying to track you down. So, you know, I'm thinkin' maybe we should get together...what choo think, girl? You wanna hang with Blackie Chan? Cuz you know, I got it goin' on, girl.

A dark menacing coyote suddenly steps out of the desert to check out the scene, scaring the beejeezus out of Blackie Chan, leading him to scream at the top of his lungs and trample girl cat while trying to run home. No awesome cat ninja moves, no kitty roundhouse to the coyote's snout, just a streak of black and white fur flying through the night, passed Eddie the weinerdog and over the fence to the safety of the back yard.

Cat: "Holy CRAP where did that guy come from?! All the sudden I saw coyote and freaked, man! Ohhhh, fetch. I think I laid tracks on that girl's tail, man! How'm I gonna talk to her now? She ain't never gonna forget this, I bet she's home now tellin' all her girls, tellin' them mean dogs that I ain't nuh-in. Whatever. SHUT UP EDDIE! I hear you laughin! Shut up! You didn't see that coyote, man. The dude was scary, Eddie. Like movie freaky scary, Eddie. You don't know, man. Shut up! Where is that woman who opens the door? I 'bout had me enough of this outside stuff, yo. I'm ready to just grab me some kibble and catch a nap, man. You know...chill. Unpuff my tail. Where is that bi...FINALLY! I been runnin' for my life, woman! Where you been? Just gimme some food and leave me be, I gotsta process. House is lookin' pretty good right now, man. Pretty good. Yeah. That's what I'm sayin'. "

That's how it played out in my mind anway, as I watched BC sleep the last few days. Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe he had a great time and is sleeping off a hangover. Maybe I need more excitement in my life. 'Cause I just made up a ridiculous story about my cat for entertainment.