Along with other life transitions, I am working on a new look for the blog. It might get kind of crazy around here 'til I figure out which direction I want to take it, so try to hang on while I get it figured out!
As far as life outside of my blog?
It seems like my life has been in transition for a long, long time now. I keep trying to evolve to fit my current set of circumstances, but none of the changes I make seem to take hold on a permanent basis. As I write this, I realize that just being human makes life transitory by nature. We are always learning and growing and adapting. But right now? I'd like to just chill until I can see a clear path.
This really all relates to stability. Emotional stability, financial stability, domestic stability...it seems like when I get one of those elements lined out, another one spins out of control. Some of my instability is due to choices I have made in my life, and some of it has had to do with circumstances and choices that others made on my behalf. I get that I can't go back and change that. Finally, I get that. At this moment I want to create a more stable life going forward, not just for me, but for my kids! Stability is all I want right now.
So...here I sit, on the precipice of several HUGE life choices. All of them will directly affect my life and the lives of my children, especially when it comes to our ability to feel safe and comfortable. For me, it's really hard when financial instability becomes the driving force behind our decision making process because then the process feels frenzied and chaotic and desperate. It's hard to stay calm when you're backed up against the wall. Having said that, had we had a Plan B on file in the first place, we probably would have made better choices at the beginning of this trial and could have avoided some of the last minute misery and debate we are dealing with now. Hindsight, right?
Now we are facing the inevitable...Do we move to another state and try to start over in a new environment or do we stay put and try to slug it out in a place where both of us have spent what seems like an eternity trying to carve out a niche for ourselves? My vote? Stay here. Which is weird, because we've always talked about the day we can finally move out of Arizona! But now that I face that possibility, I'm not ready to go. I'm still trying to decide if my lack of enthusiasm has more to do with the location my husband is leaning toward or having to pack the house up all over again. Either way, I'm not ready to deal with this change. I know the demons I face here! I know the economy (or lack therof), the streets, the politics, the weather, the people...all of the things which I gripe about on a daily basis! Isn't it ironic how familiarity can sometimes ease the lack of stability of our lives, but that same familiarity also leads us to feel contempt and boredom for our same old surroundings? We are weird, complex creatures sometimes, that is certain.
All of this comes down to what? Me being too afraid and tired to try something new. Before I had kids I probably would have jumped at the chance to see another part of the country. Now I just want to get where we need to be and stay there. I want to put down roots and become part of the community and live my life there and know that at last, I am home and I never have to leave. If I thought for one second that the place my husband wants to move was that place? I'd be all over it. But I don't feel that way about his choice. In fact I work hard everyday to try to imagine life there and I can't.
So why is it even a consideration? If I'm not gonna be happy there, why would we even consider it? Because Big Man has a brother there whom he adores and who brings out all the good and wonderful qualities in the man I married. Their love for each other is deep and strong and without judgement. My husband doesn't have kind of relationship with most of his other siblings. Big Man feels like maybe with his brother's help and support, he can get back on his feet and create a new career path. More importantly, he feels like he will finally be away from the many people he has grown up with here who seem to always see him as a failure. His road here has been a tough one, not filled with very many positive experiences.
So maybe a change is warranted. Sometimes all one needs to shake old habits and demons is a change of scenery. Some place to start over again, with a new outlook and new perspective. Some place where you get to be who you really are, where no one has preconcieved ideas about you based on who you used to be.
I just wish that place wasn't Florida.