Sunday, May 10, 2009

My Weird Mother's Day Post

Mother's Day. This should have been an easy post for me to write. But my whole experience with mothers, both being one and having one, is pretty complicated. Let's just say I did not have a typical Ozzy and Harriet upbringing and leave it at that, because going into detail is painful for me and confusing for you.

That being said, I want to honor my Mother, even if I am struggling to find the words to do it properly.

I truly love my mom. She is an amazing woman in so many ways, but our relationship has been pretty complicated. I don't blame her. I don't blame me. We were victims of circumstance and that's just how it was. It has taken us all of our lives to figure out how to love each other, but I think we are doing pretty well now. And it could not have come at a better time for me. My mom is a big source of strength for me right now, which is something I was never sure I could experience with her before. I need to thank her publicly for stepping up to be the mom I didn't know I would need so much at 44 years of age.

She's a tough gal. Like John Wayne tough. She had to be. She didn't really have a strong support system. It's taken her a long time to let her soft side show. But she has. And I'm grateful for her efforts to be the mom I've needed for so long. I know it makes her have to deal with her own issues as she tries to help me deal with mine. Nobody likes to talk about that part of being a mom. It's one thing to deal with your issues when you are ready to face them and choose to do so. But it's a whole other thing to have to face your issues and deal with them because someone else is in need of your support and you giving them that support forces you to face things you weren't ready to face. That part sucks.

So I want her to know that I am grateful that she is willing to make the effort, even when it's hard. I want her to know that I am trying to rise to the challenge to be more like her in areas where it counts. I want to absorb her strength, her ability to rise above the problem and keep going, her ability to check the emotions at the door so she can face the tasks of the day without having a meltdown.

And I want to say I'm sorry. Sorry that you have to worry about me. I know that sucks too. I know because I anguish over my own two boys. My heart breaks for them daily because I want everything for them that I didn't have and I am afraid that my issues will get in the way of me preparing them for what lies ahead. How do I teach them to be happy when I can't always get there myself?

But this isn't about me, it's about my mom. Who, by the way, I rarely call mom. It's a long story. I need work on that, because she's earned the title.

There's so much more I should say, but I want to get it right. I want to make it happy and fun and upbeat. Because she is those things too. And so much more. All rolled up into one cute little cowgirl package.

Happy Mother's Day, Mom. I love you.


Connie Walsh said...

Obviously, I don't know the history, but it was great for you to honor your mom even with the history.

Choppzs said...

Happy Mother's Day to you too!

Miss Hope said...

This was a good post. If I had been asked to write a moving, touching Mother's Day post when I was a teenager? Whew. It would have been hard to do. Now, though, I get her and I get the time period then.

You got a good kid, Ms. Boymom's Mom.

Post a Comment