5 Things

Five (5) things I cannot do with an injured big toe:

1. Run up and down the stairs as fast as I can, 2 times.

2. Wear cock roach kicker pointy toed boots.

3. Play folded up paper football with my big toe as the kicker.

4. Scratch my leg or other foot with my injured toe foot.

5. Help my husband move a heavy object while wearing sandals.


Five (5) things I cannot do WITHOUT an injured big toe:

1. Run up and down the stairs as fast as I can, 2 times.

Okay, I could, but I would be incredibly oxygen deprived afterward, and not that I don't need to, but I don't want to. Also, if you read my Stair post you would know what I think about Evil Stairs.

2. Wear cock roach kicker pointy toed boots.

Did you see the pic of my toe? Then you saw my fat feet. Wide and fat don't work well with skinny and pointy. No Cockroach Kickers in Size "El Grande Triple F Width".

3. Play folded up paper football with my big toe as the kicker.

My husband has those really coordinated toes that can pick things up and move things around. Mine are not coordinated and cannot pick things up or kick paper footballs. Alas, I will always be a spectator in the Big Toe Paper Football Arena.

4. Scratch my back with my injured toe foot.

I will probably be able to scratch my other leg or foot once my nail heals. However, as flexible as I am, my foot cannot reach my back. I tried.

5. Help my husband move a heavy object wearing sandals.

I think the toe picture said it all. I may be slow folks, but I ain't stupid. Next time I embark on any heavy lifting where my spouse is involved, I will be wearing some kind of industrial footwear...do they make steel toed sandals?

This Little Piggy Went...Nowhere, Which Created a Problem.

WARNING!! The following picture is graphic in nature. It may make some people queasy. It made me queasy and it also made me cry. Because it HURT! Like Hades!! It made me cuss in front of God and my kids. Wanna see it? I don't know, it's pretty bad. Seriously...it's nasty. I just want to prepare ya'll.

Maybe this is bad blog protocol. Do people post pics of their injuries? Well, in the interest of completely candid and honest blogging, I will test the waters with my photo. Then you can all blast me and I will know not to ever do it again. That's me, always pushing the envelope...then cutting my tongue on it.

First, let me explain how it came to be that I no longer have a toenail on my big toe. It's my husband's fault. Seriously. I remind him of that several times a day when I wince with pain every time someone comes near my foot.

Okay, really it was my fault. I have this issue with shoes. I don't like them. So I wear sandals. All of the time. Everywhere. I own tennis shoes, I just don't wear them often. By the way, they are the slide on type too - mules. I also live in the desert, so sandals work, like 360 days out of the year.

What do shoes and my toe have to do with each other? I'm getting to that in a really round-about way.

My husband asked me to help him move this really heavy fiberglass tub thing. It was hot and we were grumpy and not working together in sync. And I was wearing sandals. He said Go! and pushed before I was ready and the tub caught my sloth-like foot, specifically my big toe. And ripped the toenail right off. Can you say $%#@%*+! and *^@#$%$!#@ ? That's what I said. Then I cried. Then I did that pain dance thing that everybody does when they kill their toe. Then I got myself under control.

Then my husband turned the hose on it and I said something like "OOWWWWW! Turn that @$#%@ thing off! Owwweee!" Not only was my toe bleeding and raw, the water was boiling lava hot! Hello, Lab Partner!!! It's like 115 degrees outside...no such thing as cool water here! Then I cried again for a minute and finally sat down to look at it.

Not as bad as I thought. At least it was a clean sweep, only one little place where the skin was ripped. No stitches, I didn't go the ER, just slathered it up with Neosporin and a Bandaid. It hurts, but not as bad as I thought it would. So, I did get to take a break the rest of the day. I sat with my foot up and played UNO with the kids. It was actually kind of nice. I think if I paint the rest of my nails red no one will even notice.

By the way, I know what some of you are thinking. Her foot looks kind of fat. It is. It's also swollen from retaining water, which I do every summer, but it's a fat foot. Because I'm fat. That's kind of how it works. I think my feet will look fat even when I'm thin (no specific date on when that will take place...I'll get back to you on that). I don't have sexy feet. I have big, fat, sturdy, pioneer stock feet that will offer me great strength and balance if I ever have to pull a handcart. Not sexy, but very practical. And now mangled.