Wednesday, March 4, 2009

Blackie Chan's Big Night Out

Blackie Chan, a.k.a. Psycho Ninja Cat, has made the transition from indoor cat to indoor/outdoor cat. It was not an easy choice because I don't happen to like parasites and I am afraid him being outside a lot will bring fleas and other weird little things into my house. I already have enough weird little things in here! And I'm not sure he's smart enough to avoid the coyotes.

After a full month of his constant yowling and whining (yeah...He WHINES!), I finally had enough and let him out. He was gone the whole night and I figured it was over and I had lost my cat. When he showed up at the backdoor the next morning he was MORE than ready to come in. He ate and slept and we did not hear ONE peep out of him for 3 days.

So here's my theory of what happened that night:

Cat: Wow! Freedom! Later, lady...I am SO out of here. Gonna go find some ack-shun.

Jumps fence, heads toward neighbor's house. Meets Eddie, the weiner dog.

"Eddie! My weiner man! Whazzuup! I'm out man, let's hang!

Eddie: "Back off, you freak of nature. I don't "hang" with cats, and certainly not with wanna-be, whimpy HOUSE cats like you. You are so weak, dude! Actin' like you're all about somethin' now because you're outside. Lame, bruthuh...lame."

Cat: "Whatever, Weinerman...all I know is I'm outside walkin' the hood and you're still behind that gate, so who's the lame one now, bro! OH! How ya like me now, Hot Dog? How ya like me now?"

Continues the walk down the road toward the house that smells all girly. Finds out the house before the girly house has BIG dogs in the backyard!

Cat: "Whoa, whoa, whoa! Hey guys! What's up? Didn't know you guys lived here, I'm kinda new in the neighborhood. Well, not new, just new to being out IN the neighborhood, ya know? So anyway, sorry to disturb you guys, my name's BC. Who are you guys?"

Dogs: "PUNK! Don't you know who yo messin' wif, yo? Punk thinks we wanna make friends, all up in our space actin' like he gonna be friends! I eat punks like you for dinner, man. Get you cat-butt outta here before we use you fo a chew toy! (talking to other dog...You believe that shizzle? Come up in OUR yard talkin' like he gonna hang wit' us.)"

Cat walks off with his tail puffed up like a bottle cleaner, all arched and trying to look tough, even though his legs are shaking like jello.

Thinks to self: "Duhammn! Those dogs was rough! I'll be takin' the LONG way around that place, I almost peed they scared me so bad. Well, you know, not like scared scared, just a little uptight, you know, like I might hafta get ready to defend myself or suh-in. Now where is that hot lil kitten I smell? Gotsta find that girl and make a booty call! "

Just then BC hears a little girly meow: "Hey girl! How you doin'? I been lookin' for you. Almost got my tail ate off by some big ole' canines trying to track you down. So, you know, I'm thinkin' maybe we should get together...what choo think, girl? You wanna hang with Blackie Chan? Cuz you know, I got it goin' on, girl.

A dark menacing coyote suddenly steps out of the desert to check out the scene, scaring the beejeezus out of Blackie Chan, leading him to scream at the top of his lungs and trample girl cat while trying to run home. No awesome cat ninja moves, no kitty roundhouse to the coyote's snout, just a streak of black and white fur flying through the night, passed Eddie the weinerdog and over the fence to the safety of the back yard.

Cat: "Holy CRAP where did that guy come from?! All the sudden I saw coyote and freaked, man! Ohhhh, fetch. I think I laid tracks on that girl's tail, man! How'm I gonna talk to her now? She ain't never gonna forget this, I bet she's home now tellin' all her girls, tellin' them mean dogs that I ain't nuh-in. Whatever. SHUT UP EDDIE! I hear you laughin! Shut up! You didn't see that coyote, man. The dude was scary, Eddie. Like movie freaky scary, Eddie. You don't know, man. Shut up! Where is that woman who opens the door? I 'bout had me enough of this outside stuff, yo. I'm ready to just grab me some kibble and catch a nap, man. You know...chill. Unpuff my tail. Where is that bi...FINALLY! I been runnin' for my life, woman! Where you been? Just gimme some food and leave me be, I gotsta process. House is lookin' pretty good right now, man. Pretty good. Yeah. That's what I'm sayin'. "

That's how it played out in my mind anway, as I watched BC sleep the last few days. Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe he had a great time and is sleeping off a hangover. Maybe I need more excitement in my life. 'Cause I just made up a ridiculous story about my cat for entertainment.


Kristi said...

Fa-shizzle! Dat was an awesome story.

Anonymous said...

Loved that story! Reminds me of Hank the Cow Dog!!!! Write some more of those!!! In fact write it for a book company!!! It can be a series!!! Do it girl!!!

Jocelyn said...

Wow, that is an awesome story! You certainly should write more! So entertaining. :D

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