Things I Heard This Week That I Wish I Hadn't

It's been a long week.  Here are some snippets of conversations in which I took part or overheard during the last few days that made me want to either punch someone in the face or just crawl back in bed:

• You have to come in 4 hours early all week for cross-training.
• Mrs. Boymom, Little Man has mono. 
• Mom!  The cat pooped in the tub.
• Overtime has been cancelled until further notice.
• I need to buy ammo for my Firearms class this weekend.  Which bank account has any money left in it?
• Ask your husband if you can go out to dinner with me Saturday night.
• Honey, I came home and the water was turned off.  Did we pay the bill?
• Your deductible is $500. 
• We're out of toilet paper (screamed from the upstairs bathroom)!
• Mom!  Little Man is throwing up again! 
• I don't want to go back to school!  I hate it and you can't make me!
• Why is there no food in the house after you just went shopping?
• The reality is that the hard workers rarely get noticed.  People get noticed when they screw up or kiss the boss' butt.  So you need to decide whether you are going to screw up, kiss up or just work hard with no acknowledgement. 
• Quit bugging me or I will hit your spleen and make you go to the hospital (related to the mono symptoms, but I'm going to save this one for my own verbal threat arsenal.  It would really throw someone off, wouldn't it?).  

There were more things said that made me want to scream, but honestly, I'm too tired to try and remember them all.  Feel free to share some of your irritating conversations in the comments.  I could use a few laughs.   

How's Work?

Question of the week:  "So how do you like your new job?" 

Answer of the week:  "Ask me when I work out the sleeping part." 

Sleep consumes my thoughts now.  I wake up thinking about when I can go back to sleep.  When I'm sleeping, I dream about sleeping...like for a full 24 hours with no interruptions.  Sleep has become my new master.  Which is good in one sense, because it has replaced eating.  So, there's that bonus. 

Here's the thing, just so you don't think I'm lazy.  Which I can be.  But not this time.  This time I am tired because I work second shift and then get home at 2 a.m. and get to bed at about 2:30 in the morning.  Then I get up at 6:30 to take the kids to school, because with this work shcedule, it's the only time I see them.  I think we covered this in a previous blog post, right?  Anyway...I may or may not come home and go back to bed for a few hours after getting them to school, depending on whether or not we have appoinments and how much house work needs to be done, etc.  So I am not getting a ton of sleep.  And my body and brain know it.  They are mad at me and starting to shut down.  So I've been walking around in a fog the last few days, trying to get my bearings.  People think I'm stoned or stupid.  I'm neither.  Okay, I have been stupid before, but that's not the problem now.  I'm FREAKING TIRED!  So if I seem cross and grumpy?  It's because I'M TIRED!  As in NO SLEEP!  And if I get an attitude? Don't take it personal.  Just back off.  Or offer me a pillow and a Snuggi. 

My friend works 2nd shift.  She's been doing it for 6 years.  I asked her how long it took her to get used to the schedule.  She said 6 years.  Great.  Only 5 years, 11 months and 2.5 weeks to go til I feel normal again!

Monday's To-Do List

I've filled out so many applications and sent in so many resumes today. Laundry is starting to look a lot more fun right now.

Yes, I Love That Man of Mine

I have been so ungrateful lately. I have good friends and a good family. And I don't thank the people who support me like I should. So thank you to all of you for your constant stream of positive input and encouragement, for your prayers and the efforts you make on behalf of me and my family.

But most deserving of my recognition today is my husband - Big Man - for his efforts as of late. I've not been very good about recognizing his contributions for a while now. Because I have been very frustrated with our life for a while now. And I kind of blamed him for a lot of our struggles. Some days I still do. But I am realizing that I bring a whole box of blame to the table too, although I think my box is like the size of a shoe box, while his is more like a refrigerator box moving box. Anyway, whether I want to acknowledge it or not, my emotions are just as much of a drag on our marriage and family life as his issues are.

The thing is...he went above and beyond for the last month and a half and did something I wasn't willing to do. So I need to give him credit. After several years of working in an office, and another year and a half of either unemployment or partial employment, he took a job working out in the 113 degree sun all day, in the hottest July on record here in Arizona, doing something that was so physically draining that he could barely make it into the house at the end of the day. He did it for very little pay compared to what he used to make and he tried really hard not to complain (I think he was just so tired and sick from the heat he couldn't speak). He didn't want to take the job when his brother told him about it. He knew it would suck. But at my request, he humbled himself and made the sacrifice so he could take care of his family.

The job is over now, so we are back to worrying about money again. But he learned alot about himself. And I learned some things about myself too. While I seem to have lost most of my confidence and direction, he seems to be regaining his. I kind of blamed my loss of self-worth on him for a long time. I am realizing that my lack of confidence, which has NEVER, ever been a problem for me before, is more due to my not taking the time to stay educated and prepared for a time when I might have to help support us financially again. I can get mad and blame him for being unsupportive all I want, but the truth is, I didn't do anything to take care of myself the last few years; not physically, spiritually, mentally or financially. I kept waiting for him to do that. That's why I got married. So I would finally have someone I could count on to help me meet my needs. No matter what they are. I didn't always have that growing up and that's what I thought marriage was about. Filling that void...right?

Well, I am learning that I have to be responsible for my own peace and happiness, regardless of what my husband does or does not bring to the table. And I am learning that I need to accept his offerings with more gratitude. Maybe his gestures are not as big and grand as I want them to be. Maybe his growth is not happening as quickly as I need it to happen. I need to acknowledge the fact that it is happening at all. He is moving forward, albeit in babysteps, and that is more than I have done for a few years now. And it took him putting himself in a really difficult situation for me to appreciate his efforts, because truth be told...I would not have been strong enough to take a job like that and suffer through it.

So I want to publicly thank Big Man for putting himself out there. It may not seem like a big deal to some, but it is to me, and to him. It's a sign that maybe, just maybe, he is starting to overcome some of the dysfunction. That maybe he is more willing to keep an open mind about his future. That maybe he can overcome his demons and find his life path. And if he can do that, maybe I can too. Then maybe our boys will actually end up with highly functioning parents who can offer them something of value as they grow into adulthood, like support and love and direction and guidance.

He and his brother are going to start their own business because of this job that he took. It was truly the job from hell. But he lived through it and I am excited for him to be successful with this new venture. He and his brother have earned it with blood, sweat and tears. Literally.