Parent Transitioning Is Hard

Sitting in church and watching the families around me interact. So many little boys hugging their mothers, playing with Mom's hair, laying their heads in Mom's lap, stroking her cheek with grubby, chubby, toddler hands. 

Looks of love and giggles shared between a mother and son, as all of them work to keep their little dudes busy, while also trying to gain some spiritual nourishment. That bond between mother and son is so strong!

And then, as I sit there feeling a twinge of sadness that I don't have those little moments with my little boys anymore, my 18 year old son puts his arm around my shoulder and my mama heart melts. The bond has grown even stronger. The moments of toddler adoration may be gone, but the love is still there and sometimes they remember to show it.  

 #boymoms #theysmellbetternow #hestillsplayswithmyhair #theirstronghugspopmybacksodoublebenefits

When One Door Closes...You Go Home and Cry and Then Watch Friends for 2 Days While You Reevaluate Your Life Choices

Do you remember that time when you thought your life was really starting to take a turn for the positive and then the world slammed that door shut right in your face? Yeah, me too.  Sigh.  Good times.  Gooood times.

Except you know what? I'm weirdly okay.  I mean, yeah, I did have a big cry session and got really depressed for few days. But overall, after the initial shock, I don't feel as horrible as I thought I would that I was laid off after 5 months. It's a start up company.  There are growing pains. Like budget cuts. And I was a casualty.  But I put everything I had into being successful there and I made really good friends. So, I really don't have anything to feel bad about with regard to my performance there, other than I should have stepped out of my comfort zone a little quicker to learn the job functions of other areas in the company so that I had more value. But honestly, as jobs go, I worked my butt off at this one. And it just didn't pay off this time.  What can you do?

But I wasn't prepared for the end, so I have found myself struggling to regroup in terms of next steps. Mostly because I'm not in the mood to go back to the traditional working mom role again. The one where I leave for 12 hours a day and give someone else everything I have to give so the company can make a lot of money and then come home exhausted, with nothing left to give to my family.  I don't like that kind of existence. I don't mind working.  I love using my time and talents to help a company grow! I'm just really ready to do something that's fulfilling with a company that really, truly recognizes that I can't leave every ounce of my being on the work table, because I have to have some left for my family. 

So, while I have spent the last month and a half looking for a job that's a really great fit, I am also trying really, really hard to enjoy the time I have to think about what will make me whole and happy.  I've also tried really hard to enjoy my boys and savor every unhurried moment I have with them, because they will be gone in a few short years and I won't get this time back. I'm trying to make sure we talk about exploring their options after high school and spend lots of time talking with them about dreams and ambitions.  That way when life gets hard for them after they leave home, I can recall with them our little day trips and conversations and remind them that they have a plan. I can bring back the memories we are making right now to encourage them to stay focused on goals, so they CAN create the kind of life they want. The kind of life that makes them feel whole and happy and fulfilled. The kind of life I have struggled to create for myself for the last 50 years.

And as I write this, it occurs to me that I think I have actually found a job that is the perfect fit for me right now. I get to be a tuned-in, focused mom again. Sometimes the door closes and things come to an end for a reason. Until this very second, I didn't grasp the fact that I'm where I need to be, doing exactly what I need to be doing at this moment.

Also, I have more time to binge watch FRIENDS. Because honestly...how can this not make you feel better?

via GIPHY

I Am Boymom...and Mrs. Fix-It

Being a Boymom means learning how to fix things.  Lots of things.  Like broken toys, broken bed frames, broken bikes and sometimes even broken hearts.  I'm super happy that I have to fix broken "things" a lot more often than broken "feelings."  Broken feelings are much harder to fix.  You can't use super glue and duct tape and staple guns to fix broken feelings and broken people.  I'm pretty handy with super glue and duct tape and staple guns and small power tools.  I'm not always as knowledgeable about how to mend feelings. 

But back to my awesome and amazing skills as a repair woman of appliances and toys and electronics!  I'm not bragging.  Okay, kind of I am bragging, because I'm on a high after fixing the baffle on my dryer.  You know, one of those fin things that flip the clothes around while the barrel spins?  Yeah.  That. The thing that no one realizes can come loose until it actually does.  Well, mine did.  And I fixed it.  And okay, it wasn't super hard, but it felt really good to know that I could take my own dryer apart and put it back together and have it work!

After the dryer, I sat down and started thinking about all the things I have fixed or replaced with zero assistance.  Among the numerous items I have repaired are BB Guns, Nerf Guns, Hexbugs, Blow Dryers, Matchbox Cars, Sneakers, RC Cars, Radios, a 42" Flat Screen HDTV, 2 different washers, a dryer, 3 broken bed frames, a broken sofa, a Lazy Boy recliner, a broken cable on an electric car window,  a VW carburetor, a toilet, a garbage disposal, bike tires, broken bike chains, a water heater...so many things!

What is the point of all this?  I don't know. It just hit me that I have fixed a lot of things. And that maybe I should take the time to appreciate my ability to dive in and repair something that is not working. It's not a bad skill to have. It certainly comes in handy in a house full of boys. Maybe the Universe is trying to tell me that I need to open a repair shop.

My Kid Entrepreneur

Little Man needs a new nickname.  Because he isn't so little anymore.  He's a pre-teen.  A very busy, driven pre-teen who is already thinking about college and careers and how to build a business empire that can support his future family and his mom and dad when we get old.  Yeah.  He talks about that kind of stuff.  And it makes me cry sometimes to think that this amazing kid is mine.

The crying isn't just because I am so touched by his generous and thoughtful spirit. It's because this kid, in his 12 years of living, has figured out important life lessons that his parents are just now getting at age almost 50! He thinks about his future!  He will sit and map out his time and create his own schedule so that he can feel functional and organized and ready for what lies ahead.

The sad thing is? He didn't learn this from me or from his dad.  We tend to be less strategic in our approach to life.  I kind of struggle with structure in our home life.  Business and work is all business and work and I can get things done on that front.  But something happens when I try to apply those same skills to our home life.  And I hate that I have a hard time transferring my work skill set to my family life sometimes.

But back to my son. The one who came to me with this innate, already developed ability to line himself out and get a direction without a lot of help...

He's started a t-shirt business to raise money for two upcoming camps that he wants to attend at the end of the school year.  One of the camps is Scout Camp, the other is a 3 day adventure/environmental field trip that the 6th grade at his school does every year.  He needs to earn $150 for each camp.  In the past he has sold, lemonade, raked leaves and mowed lawns when he needs extra money, but he decided he wants to "branch out".  His words, not mine.  (I know, right?  Who is this kid?!?)  So he came up with two different designs (more are on the way) for t-shirts and we are using TeeSpring to sell them.  His customers do not have to pay for a shirt until his sales goal is met.  You simply place your order and once the target number is hit, the shirts will print and ship.  If the goal is not met, your card will not be charged.

Here are his current designs.  Just click on the photo and you will be taken to the TeeSpring order page, where you can place your order to help Eli meet his goal!

So there it is...his first public campaign!  He has done all of it himself, except for the marketing and PR, which he has hired me to do.  And since I am good at this part (and I am his mother), I took the job.

Thanks for helping a kid who has his priorities straight get a leg up on his goals!  Your support means a lot to him.  And to his mother, who is so grateful to have a wonderful son to emulate and learn from.  I am absolutely certain that I learn more from my children than they will ever learn from me.  

Nurturing the Soul of Your Family - 10 Ways to Reconnect and Find Peace in Everyday Life by Renee Trudeau (Book Review)

There have been occasions here on my blog where I have probably shared too much about my emotional issues and how they affect me and my family.  I'm an over sharer.  I know that about myself and have tried to reign it in, but sometimes the need to offer "too much information" overwhelms me and I find myself spewing emotional baggage again.  This is a book review.  But it's about a book that has tapped into some pretty raw emotions for me.  So I'm warning you now.  I might spew.  Just so ya know.

Recently I was offered the opportunity to review a new book by Renee Trudeau called Nurturing the Soul of Your Family – 10 Ways to Reconnect and Find Peace in Everyday Life.  The last few years have been incredibly trying for my family for many reasons, which some of you know about, but I won't go into any of that here.  The stress has taken it's toll.  The atmosphere in our home was not a happy one and I felt an immense amount of guilt every single day for not being able to overcome the trials and for not being able to change the way we function as a family.  I could not bring the peace and feelings of love and security to our home that we all wanted and needed.  I felt broken and stupid for not knowing how to create a different experience for my family.  

Well, this is my year of change.  My year to be "fearless" in my pursuit of peace, happiness and family unity.   The fact that helpful tools like Renee's book keep finding their way into my life tells me that I am on the path I am supposed to be on.

I should admit that I was all "Here we go...another parenting book" when I first cracked it open (or rather when I first brought it up on the computer screen. I opted for the digital copy cuz one less thing to clutter the coffee table). The first thing I noticed and appreciated when I started reading Nurturing the Soul of Your Family is that Renee shares some of her own life experiences as she offers advice to her readers.  Sometimes it's easier to follow "expert" advice when you know that the advice comes from a person who has actually lived through some of the same trials  with which you are dealing.

The book starts off with an introduction that calls for a "new way of being." Renee invites us to live an awakened life by slowing down so we can nurture our hearts and souls, as wells as those of our family. She invites us to 

"think of our loved ones as a carefully chosen collective of souls who have joined — not by accident, but intentionally — for an important reason: to support one another’s collective growth."  

Now, my religion teaches that we chose to come to the families into which we were born, so this concept is not at all new to me.  Sometimes I question why I would choose the family I chose or why my boys would choose me as their mother, but I always believed the concept to be true. But I guess since my mind and heart have been much more open to change this year, that statement really slapped me in the face!  All of the sudden I realized that these people that I share my house with are NOT THE ENEMY!  We were not conjoined as a family for the sole purpose of inflicting pain and grief on each other.  We came together to love and support one another.  

I know there are people who are reading what I just wrote and going, "Duh. How screwed up are you that you think of your family as the enemy?" (Pretty screwed up.  But that's beside the point.  Plus I'm fixing the screwed up part, which is why I'm reading the book.)  I don't think of them as the enemy, but sometimes when I have to fight the kids tooth and nail over chores and homework or my husband can't handle life events and retreats and does nothing to help fix the event, it FEELS like I am at war with them. And I hate fighting and contention.  I grew up with lots of fighting and contention and I despise it.  It makes my soul hurt. But enough about that...back to the book review.

Toward the end of the introduction, Trudeau poses this question and then follows it with ten chapters to help us find the answer:

"Each family has its own beautiful, unique essence or sacred connection. Just as we need to tend to the emotional well-being of any relationship in order for it to thrive, we have to consciously nourish and nurture our family’s sweet,tender soul. What type of daily care, feeding, and love does your family’s essence need in order to grow strong and soar?"

The chapters cover a wide range of topics that include: 

• self-care
• healing
• dealing with life in a digital world
• nature as an anti-depressant
• spiritual renewal
• spending more time together
• celebrating family culture
• making choices
• asking for help   

I found the three workbook type sections at the end of each chapter to be particularly helpful:

• "Pat on the Back" gives readers the chance to reflect on what they are doing right.
• "Putting It In Practice" asks questions that help the reader create a plan of action
• "Imagine a New Way of Being"  - a journaling exercise designed to help you envision what’s possible for you and your family.

Nurturing the Soul of Your Family – 10 Ways to Reconnect and Find Peace in Everyday Life is a great book for anyone looking to bring more peace and balance into family life.  It's not preachy or negative. Renee doesn't spend all kinds of time telling you what you are doing wrong.  Instead she offers realistic and achievable steps to help readers facilitate the change. I hope other readers get as much out of the book as I have.  And major thanks to Renee Trudeau for giving me some of the tools I've been looking for to create the family I want!

ABOUT RENEE TRUDEAU

Renée Peterson Trudeau is an internationally-recognized life balance coach, consultant, speaker and author. She is the founder of Renée Trudeau & Associates and Career Strategists and the author of The Mother’s Guide to Self-Renewal.  Renée speaks and leads life balance workshops and retreats for Fortune 500 companies and writes for numerous publications.

For more information:

• Visit Renée’s website.
• Follow Renée on Facebook.
• Follow Renée on Twitter.

**Disclosure:  I received a copy of Nurturing the Soul of Your Family to facilitate this review. The opinions expressed in this review are my own honest opinions.**

  

Yes, I Love That Man of Mine

I have been so ungrateful lately. I have good friends and a good family. And I don't thank the people who support me like I should. So thank you to all of you for your constant stream of positive input and encouragement, for your prayers and the efforts you make on behalf of me and my family.

But most deserving of my recognition today is my husband - Big Man - for his efforts as of late. I've not been very good about recognizing his contributions for a while now. Because I have been very frustrated with our life for a while now. And I kind of blamed him for a lot of our struggles. Some days I still do. But I am realizing that I bring a whole box of blame to the table too, although I think my box is like the size of a shoe box, while his is more like a refrigerator box moving box. Anyway, whether I want to acknowledge it or not, my emotions are just as much of a drag on our marriage and family life as his issues are.

The thing is...he went above and beyond for the last month and a half and did something I wasn't willing to do. So I need to give him credit. After several years of working in an office, and another year and a half of either unemployment or partial employment, he took a job working out in the 113 degree sun all day, in the hottest July on record here in Arizona, doing something that was so physically draining that he could barely make it into the house at the end of the day. He did it for very little pay compared to what he used to make and he tried really hard not to complain (I think he was just so tired and sick from the heat he couldn't speak). He didn't want to take the job when his brother told him about it. He knew it would suck. But at my request, he humbled himself and made the sacrifice so he could take care of his family.

The job is over now, so we are back to worrying about money again. But he learned alot about himself. And I learned some things about myself too. While I seem to have lost most of my confidence and direction, he seems to be regaining his. I kind of blamed my loss of self-worth on him for a long time. I am realizing that my lack of confidence, which has NEVER, ever been a problem for me before, is more due to my not taking the time to stay educated and prepared for a time when I might have to help support us financially again. I can get mad and blame him for being unsupportive all I want, but the truth is, I didn't do anything to take care of myself the last few years; not physically, spiritually, mentally or financially. I kept waiting for him to do that. That's why I got married. So I would finally have someone I could count on to help me meet my needs. No matter what they are. I didn't always have that growing up and that's what I thought marriage was about. Filling that void...right?

Well, I am learning that I have to be responsible for my own peace and happiness, regardless of what my husband does or does not bring to the table. And I am learning that I need to accept his offerings with more gratitude. Maybe his gestures are not as big and grand as I want them to be. Maybe his growth is not happening as quickly as I need it to happen. I need to acknowledge the fact that it is happening at all. He is moving forward, albeit in babysteps, and that is more than I have done for a few years now. And it took him putting himself in a really difficult situation for me to appreciate his efforts, because truth be told...I would not have been strong enough to take a job like that and suffer through it.

So I want to publicly thank Big Man for putting himself out there. It may not seem like a big deal to some, but it is to me, and to him. It's a sign that maybe, just maybe, he is starting to overcome some of the dysfunction. That maybe he is more willing to keep an open mind about his future. That maybe he can overcome his demons and find his life path. And if he can do that, maybe I can too. Then maybe our boys will actually end up with highly functioning parents who can offer them something of value as they grow into adulthood, like support and love and direction and guidance.

He and his brother are going to start their own business because of this job that he took. It was truly the job from hell. But he lived through it and I am excited for him to be successful with this new venture. He and his brother have earned it with blood, sweat and tears. Literally.

Disneyland is NOT for Whimps!!

Can I just start by saying that Disneyland during the Holidays is absolutely INSANE!!?? It's a whole lotta crazy at Christmas!

MomSelect and Disneyland gave me and my family the opportunity to meet up at Disneyland with 50 other MomBloggers and experience the park during the holiday season! (Shout out to Michele Himmelberg- Disneyland Resort Public Relations! She did so much to ensure we had a great experience! Thanks so much!) Since it was my family's first time there, I was a bit unprepared for the MASSES of people we would encounter, but in the end we really enjoyed ourselves.

Wanna hear all the boring details? Okay! First of all, we flew. We left Friday morning. They didn't know where we were going, we kept it a surprise! My boys had a blast on the plane, they have never flown before. Big Brother wants to be a military man of some sort and is really into military planes and jets right now, so he totally soaked up the experience, including the safety procedures the flight attendant reviewed with us (he's very, very safety conscious). He knew exactly how to save our lives when she was done. (Little Man was not asleep, I don't know what he was doing in that pic!)

We caught the Disneyland Express bus from Orange County Airport to the Disneyland Hotel. Jeff was our bus driver. He was...interesting. I'll leave it at that. The hotel is beautiful. We checked in without a hitch, got our 1st Time buttons and they even had an "It's my Birthday" button waiting for Little Man since his B-day was just on the 1st! Little Man, while happy, was extremely perplexed about how they knew! I explained how Mickey is a psychic mouse who uses his powers for good to suprise little kids and sometimes evil grumpy husbands. Kidding! We all know Mickey isn't psychic, just happy! Everybody was extremely pleasant to deal with. Disneyland kind of pleasant. I kept waiting for birds to start singing while circling around their heads! No, seriously, it was nice to have good customer service for a change. It made up for Jeff the Bus Driver...did I mention he was really...interesting? He kind of freaked me out. Something is definitely flying around his head and singing. Nice guy, just umm...interesting. I didn't take his pic, I didn't want to encourage him.

Here is a quick pic of our room and our view, which was chosen so we could see the fireworks from the balcony, which was awesome and useful on the second night, when we could not walk one more step and the kids were able to sit and dirnk hot chocolate and watch the fireworks while my feet died a slow death. I do not have pics of the fireworks. I will explain this later in the post.

We explored Downtown Disney the first afternoon and ran around the park just a bit before attending a presentation for all the MomBloggers Friday night. The presentation and awesome buffet were both held at the Disneyland Grand Californian Hotel in the Sequoia Ballroom. The minute we entered we were greeted by Minnie, who promptly embarrassed Big Brother by giving him a hug. (He's 9...still not into girls, especially one's with big heads and ears.) Little Man ran over and gave her a big hug. I could have gotten pics of this if I hadn't dropped my camera and wrecked it, so now you will have to wait for the family/Minnie pic until I get it downloaded from DisneyPhotoPass.com, which I learned about at the festivities Friday night! I will blog about this more tomorrow!

Big Man and the Boys met some dads and ate shrimp cocktails, prime rib, turkey and pasta, along with yummy cookies and rice krispy treats while us MomBloggers learned about all the yummy treats the park makes during the holiday season! Did you know Disneyland makes more gingerbread than any other bakery or restaurant west of the Rockies? Who knew?! More on that tomorrow too!

Anyway, we finished the night at the park, with a special preview of the fireworks show, set to holiday music and SNOW! Disney can make anything happen, right? It was this cool snow looking stuff that fell softly over Main Street as we walked toward the exit. It was awesome and fun and the perfect way to end the night! We headed back to the hotel and had a wonderful night's sleep on those comfy beds, dreaming about the next day's adventures. I had no idea how many miles I would be walking the next day, so I slumbered with no worries. Tune in tomorrow for Part 2!