How Geri Got Her Gratitude Back

My heart is full tonight and I want to share. It will seem like a tiny event to most of you, but today something great happened to me and I just want to tell someone about it!

So my washer broke last week. What I found in my life about broken washers is this: they always break when they are full of water and wet clothes. And they never break when you have money or time to fix or replace them. A broken washer is a huge inconvenience. Huge. Huuuuuuuuuuuge (Say that in your best Donald Trump voice).

As per broken washer rules, mine broke true to form when I was awash in worry about hormonal imbalances that are wreaking havoc with my body, financial issues that make my head hurt, work schedules that do not accommodate my family needs and various other concerns that have me feeling overwhelmed and less than able to cope. So yeah...it picked the perfect time to break if its goal was to push me over the Cliffs of Insanity.

After a few moments of troubleshooting and a call to two different repair guys, the consensus was that I needed to get a new washer. Great. A $500 hit to our pretty much depleted budget. With that dose of reality came copious amounts of stress and worry, because that's how I roll. Soon I found myself near tears and on my knees, praying for help, relief, strength, anything as I searched for non-existent coping skills that would not kick in. Then we ran out of clean towels and underwear so I started looking at new washers.

There were lots of new, shiny washers to look at, so I should have been excited about finding something awesome that would make my clothes come out cleaned and neatly folded. But I didn't feel excited. I felt anxious and frustrated and out of sorts and worried about making the purchase. And always, every time I started to shop, I kept having this feeling that I should try to fix my old washer. To which I replied, "Ummm, NO! Too hard, too much time, too old (me and the washer), just no." To which the feeling replied, "It will be okay. You can do this. It will save you a lot of money. Seriously. You should just fix it." To which I replied, "But I don't want to fix it, that option seems really hard and time consuming. Plus, I slammed my thumb in the car door three days ago and it still hurts and the cuticle is all mangled and I don't want to hurt it more. So no" To which the feeling replied, "I think you should think about it. It's a good way to go."

So I thought about it for two more days. And while I was thinking another hard, stupid thing happened and the stress and worry about everything that had occurred over the last few weeks came crashing down. My co-workers were awesome and helped me keep it together when I was on the verge of tears at work, but when I got in the car to come home, I broke down and sobbed. I cried all the way home. And while I cried, I prayed. I prayed for peace, for money, for wisdom, for strength, for love, for hope, for insight and understanding, for someone else to cook dinner and for help with that stupid, stupid washing machine that I loved and needed so I could wash clothes. And after I prayed, the feeling said "You should fix it yourself." To which I replied, "You know what? Fine."

Now you probably know this, but something happens when you finally give in to a feeling or a thought that has been bugging you for awhile. Things just start to fall into place. I came home, googled the problem and darned if I didn't find a whole new forum that had every answer I needed to fix the washer. Why do you suppose that answer never came up the first 6 times I scoured the internet for answers? Then I tore into the washer, found a parts store today that had everything I needed and $100 later? My washer is fixed. I'm washing towels in it right now. Okay, so I forgot to check the belt and found out it has a big tear in it, so I will have to replace that tomorrow, but for now, the washer is working. And I am overjoyed! I am also pretty freaking awesome!

While I was watching my handiwork on action, I finally stepped down from my fix-it high for a moment and realized something. That feeling that I had been fighting all week? Was the help I had been asking for. And in my typical child-like fashion, I was too busy having a meltdown to stop and think about where the thoughts and feelings were coming from long enough to calm down and accept the help that was being offered.  Because that's how I roll. I'm all about the brick wall experience.

Maybe this doesn't seem like a big deal to people. That's okay.  I get it.  Lots of drama over nothing.  But to me?  It's HUUUUUUUUGE (Trump it up)!  Having this one thing off of my plate took just enough weight off of my shoulders that I can think and breathe again. I sooooo needed this break.

So tonight, I sit here at my computer filled to the core with gratitude for the answer to my prayers. Some of you may call what happened intuition or coincidence or something completely different and that's fine with me. I call it divine help from a loving Heavenly Father who heard His daughter's plea for relief. For the first time in weeks, my soul feels peace. How can I not love a Father who extended His hand to lift me up and help me in a way that not only shows me his kindness and concern, but also gives me confidence in my ability to solve problems and overcome challenges? I feel so blessed to be the Child of God. He took this:

 (No idea who this poor little "Snot Baby" is, but I was so feelin' it!)

And turned me into this: 

YESSSSSSSS! 

A Life Well Lived and Some Other Stuff about Life and Death.

This is a post about death and dying and life and living.  I know.  I'm sorry.  It's where I'm at right now.  It's what is happening in my world.  So I am using my blog to process.  Because I can't afford therapy.  I will not be offended if you stop reading right now.  Maybe you don't feel like crying.  But if you do need a good cry, this might be a good post to read.  It's making me cry.  But I tend to do that a lot these days.  So now that you have been warned, stick around or don't.  Either way, it's all good.

I think I mentioned in a previous post how ironic I think it is that I am dealing with end of life issues at the very same time that I am trying to create a rebirth for myself and my family.  As I contemplate the marks left on communities by those who are leaving us, I am still struggling to find my place in the world. As I feel sadness for the loss of people close to me, I feel joy and gratitude for those who have been sent for me to raise and nurture.  One day finds me holding a dying man's hand, 

 

while the next finds me helping very much alive and overly-excited boys make a lemonade stand to earn money. 

The emotional toll this juxtaposition has taken on me is exhausting, mentally and physically.  My brain keeps trying to process deep life and death concepts that make me think about my own mortality and my own happiness (or lack of) and other complicated stuff that causes me pain to think about.  Not liking it at all.  At. All.  I keep trying to shut it all out by just focusing on living in the moment and enjoying each moment for what it is.  Except some moments are kind of painful.  Like watching someone you love pass away. 

For a few weeks now I have been watching my step-grandfather deteriorate and face the end of his life. Because he is 100% coherent and aware, it has been tough on him to deal with a body that refuses to give up the fight to live, even while it is shutting down and cannot support him any longer.  It has been tough on his family too, to watch him struggle to die with some kind of peace and dignity.  We were hoping it would be an easier passing for him.  It would have been nice for him to go to sleep one night and not wake up.  The phone call I got tonight indicated the further breakdown of his bodily systems and I was told that he may not make it through the night. Even now though, during these last hours, he is experiencing much discomfort and frustration.  I hate that this is how he has to experience death.  

I have been blessed over the last month to spend some days sitting with him as he winds up his time here on earth.  He is an amazing man.  He has some incredible stories about growing up in Oklahoma during the Dust Bowl years, about working for the Civilian Conservation Corp during the Depression and about surviving D-Day on Omaha beach during World War II.  He lived through some of the worst times this country has seen.  

Despite struggling to endure and survive some really tough and sad situations, my grandfather never dwells on the negative aspects of his experiences.  If he mentions the pain or negativity at all, it's kind of in passing and then he quickly moves on to the valuable lessons he learned from what he went through. He is seriously one of the most positive, upbeat people I have ever known.  The last few weeks of visits haven't brought much conversation from him.  It's painful for him to talk because he can't breathe well.  But I talk to his nurses and others who stop by to see him.  In spite of his weakened state, he offers them a smile or a quick hello.  They offer hugs in return.  Even the cook came out of the kitchen to see if her "favorite guy" wanted anything special for dinner.  There is never an unkind or impatient word about him from anyone in the facility, or for that matter, in his life. They talk about his humor, his enthusiastic attitude, his positive outlook and his ability to remember names.  He leaves a lasting impression of all that is good about humanity on everyone he meets.  

 

When he married my grandmother after she left her horribly abusive first  husband, he changed not only her life, but ours as well.  He opened his heart and his home to her and her family without hesitation.  It was his idea to invite my grandmother's mother to live with them instead of living by herself halfway across the country as she started to suffer from the effects of a stroke.  And even though he loves Idaho, he was happy to relocate every winter to Phoenix after they retired so my grandmother could be closer to us.  Her life was so much better because he understood the give and take required to have a happy marriage and he understood that her family (no matter how messed up he thought we might be) was part of the package.  He never judged us.  He accepted us and did his best to love us. I am going to miss him an awful lot when he's gone.  Strength of character, a positive outlook, a kind heart and resilience will be his legacies.  I hope I have learned enough from him to emulate him even just a little as I continue my own earthly journey. 

There's so much more I want to say about Grandpa Russ, but I don't have the words tonight.  I just know that I'm a better person for having known him.  And I know when he is reunited with my grandmother in Heaven, he will have nothing but great things to say about his life here on earth.  Even the dying part.  I know he will find a lesson in all that suffering.  I hope I can say the same thing about my struggles some day.  

Until then, I will say thank you to a great man who served his family, his country and his God well.  

Gratitude Post Part 2

Yep...there's more.  Another lengthy gratitude post.  More stuff for which I am grateful.  Can you stand this? Too gushy? I know, but like I said - my heart has been full lately.

So who'm I gonna thank today? 

My husband has really struggled with my going back to work, for a few reasons. First, he would rather be the one bringing in the majority of the income. Well, I would rather that be the case too, but until it happens, we have to work with what's been made available and that's the job I have right now. Which means he gets to be at home with the kids alot. It has been an adjustment for everyone and it has not been an easy adjustment for any of us. But I think we are getting better at dealing with the change and I want to thank Big Man for stepping up where he can. The house doesn't always get cleaned, but the kids are spending some real quality time with their father. Big Man is a great dad and I am so thankful that he takes the time to teach his boys valuable life lessons, like how to be a good consumer and how to be a discerning person when it comes to the friends they choose to hang out with. He prays with them and loves them and plays with them and sometimes he even feeds them vegetables with their dinner. I love him for his efforts and his desire to get me back home with them as quickly as he can.  Now if I can just figure out how to get him to quit splattering bacon grease all over the kitchen we'll really be in business!

My sweet, sweet boys deserve all the love and thanks that I can shower upon them.  They have really stepped up and tried to handle our new set of circumstances like little men.  They have had to stay with other people and get up at 2 a.m. to come home and go back to bed when we couldn't find a sitter who could help us out.  They have had to get their own breakfast on weekends when I am trying really hard to get a little sleep.  They have had to take on more responsibilities at home and I know they get stressed about it sometimes, but they are trying hard to roll with the punches. 

Little Man really misses his mom and has gone out of his way to make sure he gives me lots of hugs and kisses when he finally does see me.  Oh...if he only knew that some days those hugs are the only reason I can get through the day.  Knowing that there is a kid at home who thinks I am the greatest thing since sliced bread makes me wonder what the hell is wrong with him sometimes!?  I mean, seriously!  Do you not see what a trainwreck your mom can be, kid?   All joking aside, his love gives me a reason to try harder.  His hugs are like warm caramel to my vanilla ice cream soul.  I simply melt when he puts his arms around my neck and snuggles into my lap and tells me how much he has missed me.  At that moment, I would walk barefoot across frozen tundras and burning desert sands to ensure he has everything he needs to be a happy human being.  Knowing he still needs me is the best kind of feeling.  EVAH.  I am so grateful for his sensitive, kind nature.

And Big Brother?  He is doing exactly what he thinks he was put here on this earth to do: he's taking care of his family.  He likes having a kingdom to preside over and while I am gone, he presides.  Boy, does he preside!  He ensures that Little Man does his chores and homework (funny how someone else's homework is important, but not your own?).  Big Brother makes sure that the cat is fed, that the boys get to Scouts and he ensures that everyone is safe and sound at night by locking doors and turning out lights. Big Man says Big Brother prays for my safe return home from work every night and asks for us to be blessed so I can get back home and work here instead of for someone else.  He's the caretaker when I'm away.  He's getting kind of big for hugs and kisses he says, but a quick peck on my cheek and a squeeze from him helps me know that he's okay and that he can handle the changes that are taking place in our lives.  And sometimes I can move fast enough to get my arms around him for just a minute and kiss his forehead, which is now only a few inches lower than mine.  He wants so badly to be a man and I want him to be a boy a while longer.  I need him to stay young for a few more years so I can keep him close.  He's such a good boy and I am so grateful that he feels a sense of responsibility for us.

Can you handle one more gratitude shout-out?  I'm seeing that glazed look again, so I'll make it quick, but ya'll know I write like I talk, right?  And ya'll know how much I talk...right?  Okay.  Then quit givin' me a hard time about my long posts and start readin' faster so you can get through this ramble sometime before the day ends!  

Can I just say that my new co-workers rock out loud?!?!  Well...SOME of my new co-workers.  'Cause truthfully?  If I never see a few of them again I would be a happy, happy woman.  There are hundreds of people in this building where I work.  I usually get along with peole fairly well, but in my department of approximately 80 folks, there are a few who seriously rub EVERYONE the wrong way.  Luckily, I don't have to deal with those folks I don't like much, because I mostly stay with my little team of 11 peeps in Box Creation, plus a few others who kind of got adopted into the group.  We're a weird little group.  We're kind of our own island.  We bonded way too quickly and we have some drama once in awhile, but in the end, most of us all really, truly care about each other.  It's kind of like a little dysfunctional family, but way less dysfunctional than one would think if they were looking in from the outside.  I think it's because we talk alot.  Our job function allows us to do that and still be productive.  In fact, the fact that we can visit while we work actually enhances our productivity.  It's pretty repetitive work.  So talking helps.  On many levels.  So issues just kind of end up working themselves out through the conversations we have.   We talk about everything while we work and we work freaking HARD! Sometimes we complain, but we get stuff done and we get it done right.  The other teams all want to be us, but they can't be us, because we have this cool factor that cannot be duplicated. I'm so not even joking about that.  Okay...kind of I am, but seriously?  We have had other people from other teams in the department tell us that they envy the fact that our team is so tight.  They think it's awesome.  We think it's awesome too.  It just kind of happened...so we embraced it. 

My team members are HI. LAR.I.OUS!  They make me laugh harder than I have laughed in years.   I have also cried on a few occasions while I was there.  Yeah.  I know.  EXTREMELY unprofessional.  And the tears completely hit me out of nowhere.  Raging hormones and stress, I guess.  My team?  Hugged me, grabbed me a Kleenex and proceeded to think of every stupid or funny thing they could say to help me get it under control.  When that didn't work, they took me outside and talked me through the meltdown, then said some more really stupid, funny things and we all moved on.  They took me at face value and let me cry and several of them even offered some really good and helpful advice.  Amazingly helpful coming from people who are so different than me.  They get how hard this transition has been for me.  They laugh about it alot. They enjoy watching the rollercoaster of emotions that I go through on a minute by minute basis there.  I'm up, I'm down, I'm up, I'm down...it's like that for most of the shift.  Although I have to say, in my defense, I think I am finally leveling out, but I'm glad I can provide some much needed comic relief with my mood swings and work place trauma.  

My new friends are all (okay, mostly all) hard workers and fair-minded people with wit and charm and intelligence and beauty.  They make working away from home tolerable.  They value me, not only as a co-worker but as a person.  They let me mother them (most are younger than me!) and they take care of me and we all talk about life after the Census.  If I could I bring them to my next place of business I would, 'cause I don't want to make new friends and go through getting to know a whole new group of people again in a few months when this job is over.  If I have to work outside of my home for a while, I want to work with THESE friends.  They have made my first venture back into the workforce a memorable and mostly fun experience. So I need to thank Eric, Jesse, Lizzette, Monica, Mercedes, Roxann, Patrick, Faith, Brittany, Mike, Melody, Pat, Stephen, Pebble, LT and Marilee for helping me see that I can survive out in the work world.  Your support and humor have made all the difference where this job is concerned and I am a better person for knowing each one of you.

And last - at least for now - I have to publicly thank my Heavenly Father for providing me and my family with what we need and for giving me the strength I need every day to face the challenges that are in front of me.  He has blessed me greatly.        

My Gratitude Post

So you've all listened to me whine and complain and vent and stress and whatever else it is that I do and have done over the last two years on this blog when it comes to my personal and wanted professional life.  I'm sure there are times when you all wonder if I am EVER going to make peace with my issues and finally lay them to rest!?!  You know what?  I wonder the same thing.  And I can tell you that I am closer than I have ever been to just letting go of all those things that have kept me from living the kind of life I want for me and for my family.  My boys and my husband (and myself, for that matter!) deserve the best I can give them and I have not given any of us the best of who I am.

The last months/year have brought comments and support from all kinds of people in my life and for the first time ever, I feel like I have finally been in a place to receive the help with humility and gratitude, rather than with embarrassment and guilt.  Being able to accept the help without feeling like a loser was a huge step for me.  Without those feelings of worthlessness and stupidity clouding my view, I see things from a very different perspective.  For the first time in a very long time I have hope that my life can be the life I want it to be, regardless of my past, regardless of who I married, regardless of my parenting skills, regardless of my level of education, regardless of the stress that comes with each new trial.  I can be the person I want to be, inspite of what my negative self says.

I know, this is like 2nd grade psychology.  I tell my kids stuff like this everyday.  I just never tell myself stuff like this.  But other people have been good about telling me stuff like this.  People like my friend with the very funny son who makes hilarious videos.  She's been quietly following my blog for some time now.  She never leaves comments so I had no idea she read my posts.  Until she sent me an email after I freaked out about that job I didn't get but really wanted.  She gave me some excellent advice, which I followed.  I still didn't get that particular job, but I feel a lot better about my ability to get that killer job, whenever I run across another one.  So I want to thank my new friend for taking the time to offer a kind word and some really good counsel.  She made a difference in my life.

I have to thank my family.  My mom and sister have gone out of their way to help me work through the financial situation with which we have struggled for the past 2 years.  I know they look at me sometimes and wonder what is wrong with me and why I make the choices I make.  I have wondered the same thing, on many, many occasions.  All I can say is that part of the reason I have had the financial struggle is because I have had to struggle with other demons that have kept me from being able to go forward sometimes.  But I think I finally have a handle on all of emotions and I am done being helpless and paralyzed by fear.  Thanks for not judging me. 

I also want to thank my regular readers:  Miss Hope, Miss Pike, Kristi, Sports Mama, Queen of Chaos,  Deana, Denise, Tam, Trisha, Alepuz, Koni, Bandana Mom, Party of Six, Suzanne, all the other Boy Moms out there and the many, many other readers who stop by regularly to stay in touch and either commiserate or laugh at my endless conundrums.  I love and appreciate each and every one of you.  Even the chick who posts in whatever Asian language you write in.  I don't know what you are saying, but thanks for the effort.

Bear with me, people, I know this is starting to sound like an Academy Award speech.  I just need to do this while I am still  full of gratitude today.  Tomorrow might find me exhausted and grumpy again, with no desire to say anything nice to anybody.

I also want to thank the companies who have worked with me to offer products for my review and giveaways for my readers.  I have gotten to know many of you on a more personal level and have enjoyed making new friends (Maria and Amy and BSM Media, Jeff, Jason).  You have all been extremely helpful when I have asked for advice or help or even sponsorships.  It means a lot to me that you are willing to give me the opportunity to use my writing skills to help promote your products.  I work hard to give honest reviews and to let the people in my circle of influence know about who you are and what you have to offer in the way of products that are family friendly, I hope that my efforts have helped you as much as you have helped me.  It has been so rewarding and fun to share what you make and sell with the people around me, in my neighborhood and around the blogosphere.  The fact that I am kind of the "gal-in-the-know" who gets the cool hook-ups has shot me up the cool ladder about 8 rungs.  So thanks for helpin' a sistah get some street creds, guys. 

This post is getting long now and I can feel eyes glazing over as some of you keep reading and reading and reading and thinking "Oh my Gosh! Does she ever stop talking?" Nope. I don't. So I will wrap this post up for today and continue my gratitude post as Part 2 tomorrow. Lots of love and hugs to all my blog friends and family! Ya'll rock out loud!

A Day for Giving Thanks

As Thanksgiving Days go, this could seriously go down as the worst ever if I were to judge it by normal standards. The meal was less than tasty, the company in which we ate the meal was very Jerry Springer-ish, there was nothing festive to eat at home when we returned from our wreck of a meal and the neighbor kid got his bike stolen from out of his garage in broad dayight, which made my boys sad. But you know what? It wan't a bad day. It was weird and different, but as a family, we enjoyed each other. And we really needed a day to just take time to be with each other.

The food thing? Went down like this...Gramma ended up having a lot of last minute dinner guests, which stressed her out and her food suffered because of the stress. So hubby and kids didn't chow down like they normally do. Now me? I'm not judging Gramma or her efforts cause been there, it's a lot of food to cook and I've messed up my share of meals.

The people thing? Was just wierd. The in-law situation is touchy when things are normal, which is NOT our definition of normal. Again, not judging, just stating a fact regarding our differences in how we filter reality. Their reality is an open door kind of thing, where lots of different "characters" are welcome in their home, like their current son-in-law and his friends. There were some real winners there today. I won't go into details. Let's just say we lead very different lifestyles from the visitors there today. Which is fine, but awkward when they are obviously used to "that special kind of oregano" and kegs as part of the meal...and having to constantly remind them there were kids present during some of the conversations was even MORE awkward, given that some of the kids were their own! Again, not judging...they were nice people. Just different and I think they were glad to have a place to be for Thanksgiving.

THEN... because I have moronic moments of what think is brilliance, I decided not to buy a lot of food for today, because I usually bring home lots of leftovers. But we boogied so fast from Grammy's house this year that we didn't have anything thanksgiving-y for dinner. Little Man was straight out mad that he didn't get deviled eggs this year and Big Brother wanted some stuffing without burnt gravy like Gramma's.

We didn't have any of that. So we ate burgers and watched Star Trek the movie. The kids were happy, Big Man was happy, I was happy and we had brownies for dessert. Total peace and satisfaction. And I am grateful. Because as weird as the day was...I recognized my blessings. Actually, I recognized them because of the weirdness.

I realized how important my husband and boys are to me. Their happy faces and laughter make my heart sing. Spending time with them brings me joy (most days) and I would be lost without them (most days).

I realized that the guests at my MIL's house were just cash strapped people trying to build a life like we are right now, but they had no family to turn to or to eat with. And I am grateful that we have somehow managed to keep our home and a shred of dignity and that through the grace of God and generosity of family, we have survived an incrediby tough year.

I realized that even though the food was not her best, I am very blessed to have a MIL who was willing to take the time to prepare a huge meal and have us over to celebrate with the family. I am so grateful that I have family close to me. And that I didn't have to cook. Or clean up!

I am grateful that my MIL was understanding when my husband wanted to leave early. She was gracious and loving and honestly? I think this group freaked her out a little bit too. It was nice to leave without a guilt trip.

I realized that I really am growing to love my neighbors. When M came over to ask if we had seen his bike he was so sad and it made us all sad for him. My boys immediately helped him scour the neighborhood while all of us parents stood around commiserating about the state of our neighborhood and speculating about who we think the offenders might be. I am grateful that I have neighbors who look out for each other and that our kids all get along (most days) and that my boys love their friend enough to want to help him with his plight.

And I am most grateful that I have a loving Heaveny Father who helped me recognize that I am where I need to be right now and that I am truly blessed with all I need right now. Other than a job. I still need that.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Wordless Wednesday

Veterans Day 2009 - Parade and Quilt Squares!

Yes, I Love That Man of Mine

I have been so ungrateful lately. I have good friends and a good family. And I don't thank the people who support me like I should. So thank you to all of you for your constant stream of positive input and encouragement, for your prayers and the efforts you make on behalf of me and my family.

But most deserving of my recognition today is my husband - Big Man - for his efforts as of late. I've not been very good about recognizing his contributions for a while now. Because I have been very frustrated with our life for a while now. And I kind of blamed him for a lot of our struggles. Some days I still do. But I am realizing that I bring a whole box of blame to the table too, although I think my box is like the size of a shoe box, while his is more like a refrigerator box moving box. Anyway, whether I want to acknowledge it or not, my emotions are just as much of a drag on our marriage and family life as his issues are.

The thing is...he went above and beyond for the last month and a half and did something I wasn't willing to do. So I need to give him credit. After several years of working in an office, and another year and a half of either unemployment or partial employment, he took a job working out in the 113 degree sun all day, in the hottest July on record here in Arizona, doing something that was so physically draining that he could barely make it into the house at the end of the day. He did it for very little pay compared to what he used to make and he tried really hard not to complain (I think he was just so tired and sick from the heat he couldn't speak). He didn't want to take the job when his brother told him about it. He knew it would suck. But at my request, he humbled himself and made the sacrifice so he could take care of his family.

The job is over now, so we are back to worrying about money again. But he learned alot about himself. And I learned some things about myself too. While I seem to have lost most of my confidence and direction, he seems to be regaining his. I kind of blamed my loss of self-worth on him for a long time. I am realizing that my lack of confidence, which has NEVER, ever been a problem for me before, is more due to my not taking the time to stay educated and prepared for a time when I might have to help support us financially again. I can get mad and blame him for being unsupportive all I want, but the truth is, I didn't do anything to take care of myself the last few years; not physically, spiritually, mentally or financially. I kept waiting for him to do that. That's why I got married. So I would finally have someone I could count on to help me meet my needs. No matter what they are. I didn't always have that growing up and that's what I thought marriage was about. Filling that void...right?

Well, I am learning that I have to be responsible for my own peace and happiness, regardless of what my husband does or does not bring to the table. And I am learning that I need to accept his offerings with more gratitude. Maybe his gestures are not as big and grand as I want them to be. Maybe his growth is not happening as quickly as I need it to happen. I need to acknowledge the fact that it is happening at all. He is moving forward, albeit in babysteps, and that is more than I have done for a few years now. And it took him putting himself in a really difficult situation for me to appreciate his efforts, because truth be told...I would not have been strong enough to take a job like that and suffer through it.

So I want to publicly thank Big Man for putting himself out there. It may not seem like a big deal to some, but it is to me, and to him. It's a sign that maybe, just maybe, he is starting to overcome some of the dysfunction. That maybe he is more willing to keep an open mind about his future. That maybe he can overcome his demons and find his life path. And if he can do that, maybe I can too. Then maybe our boys will actually end up with highly functioning parents who can offer them something of value as they grow into adulthood, like support and love and direction and guidance.

He and his brother are going to start their own business because of this job that he took. It was truly the job from hell. But he lived through it and I am excited for him to be successful with this new venture. He and his brother have earned it with blood, sweat and tears. Literally.