It's the New Year and I wanted to write this really great, funny, uplifting post today, but I'm afraid it's just not in me. I am struggling. It may have something to do with the fact that I have had the flu/cold twice now in a month. All I know is it's January 4th and I still don't have a clear direction for my family this year. We spent the entire year of 2008 struggling just to survive and I didn't want to start another year without some goals and direction. I shouldn't say we have no direction, we have some general ideas, but nothing concrete.
If you've been reading my blog for the last 6 months or if you happen to know me, you know that I am one of those people who is incomprehensively emotional. I attribute it to my wierd childhood and all of my "issues." Maybe that's an excuse. Maybe I would have been like this regardless of how I grew up. All I know is right now I feel retarded. I feel incapable. I feel like I have lost my ability to rise above the - whatever it is you are supposed to rise above - and move forward. We are stuck. My husband is stuck, I am stuck, we are stuck. Has anyone ever been in this place before? How did you get past it? 'Cause truthfully? I feel like if I don't find something soon, my head is going to explode!
Being here, stuck in this unproductive place, is causing me physical pain. It's like all of the sudden I am 8 years old again and I am being thrust into an adult world and being told to figure it out. Why aren't my coping skills kicking in? Why isn't my sense of logic and my desire to succeed pushing me past my fear and worry? Why can't I put together some kind of plan to help me and my family out of the mess we are in? Where has my confidence gone? WHERE IS THE ADULT ME WHO IS SUPPOSED TO BE STEPPING IN TO RESCUE THE KID ME RIGHT NOW?!?!?!
My husband, who is a good man but who is lost himself, is no help. If I have a carload of baggage, this man has a trainload. Not a full boxcar, an entire TRAIN. FULL. So yeah...unless some kind of miracle happens, which it could, I'm pretty much on my own here.
In fact, the whole reason we are here is because his issues attacked him and he shut down, which led mine to attack me and it's all I can do not to shut down and so we sit and pretend to have a conversation and try to make a plan, but neither one of us can actually shake loose long enough to put anything of real value into action. We just kind of go through the motions. Mostly I go through the motions. He is just kind of existing right now. I feel bad, I have nothing left to offer him. I can't help him...I can barely help myself and keep things going for the kids.
Wow! What a bummer of a post this is! Hey Internets, if you have nothing to feel bad about going into the new year, be sure and stop by Boymom's Blog. She'll complain at you until you feel just as depressed as she feels! Sorry. I am not trying to be Debbie Downer. I always said I would write what I feel on my blog though, so I will let the post stand for now, as this is my reality today.
So...I guess I'm asking for advice. Praying is always part of my process. So far, I am not hearing much back in that department, at least that I am recognizing. I feel completely paralyzed and lost. I know some of you won't get that. My mom is one of those people who never lets life get the best of her. I wish I could be more like that. She's able to keep her emotions from overcoming her to the point that she can't function. I don't know why I struggle with that. Mine seem to consume me. And now I am being drowned by them.
I would love to hear from any and all of you how you get through very difficult, uncertain circumstances without being so overwhelmed that you shut down. Seriously. Give me your secrets, your thoughts, your jokes, your pep talks, your butt chewings - whatever ya got. I'll read them all and be thankful for the efforts you make to share. Then I'll pull myself up by the bootstraps (Now I remembered that one, why can't I remember the rise above it thing?), even though I own no boots, and try to post something more positive this week!
Thanks for listening bloggy friends.