My Gratitude Post

So you've all listened to me whine and complain and vent and stress and whatever else it is that I do and have done over the last two years on this blog when it comes to my personal and wanted professional life.  I'm sure there are times when you all wonder if I am EVER going to make peace with my issues and finally lay them to rest!?!  You know what?  I wonder the same thing.  And I can tell you that I am closer than I have ever been to just letting go of all those things that have kept me from living the kind of life I want for me and for my family.  My boys and my husband (and myself, for that matter!) deserve the best I can give them and I have not given any of us the best of who I am.

The last months/year have brought comments and support from all kinds of people in my life and for the first time ever, I feel like I have finally been in a place to receive the help with humility and gratitude, rather than with embarrassment and guilt.  Being able to accept the help without feeling like a loser was a huge step for me.  Without those feelings of worthlessness and stupidity clouding my view, I see things from a very different perspective.  For the first time in a very long time I have hope that my life can be the life I want it to be, regardless of my past, regardless of who I married, regardless of my parenting skills, regardless of my level of education, regardless of the stress that comes with each new trial.  I can be the person I want to be, inspite of what my negative self says.

I know, this is like 2nd grade psychology.  I tell my kids stuff like this everyday.  I just never tell myself stuff like this.  But other people have been good about telling me stuff like this.  People like my friend with the very funny son who makes hilarious videos.  She's been quietly following my blog for some time now.  She never leaves comments so I had no idea she read my posts.  Until she sent me an email after I freaked out about that job I didn't get but really wanted.  She gave me some excellent advice, which I followed.  I still didn't get that particular job, but I feel a lot better about my ability to get that killer job, whenever I run across another one.  So I want to thank my new friend for taking the time to offer a kind word and some really good counsel.  She made a difference in my life.

I have to thank my family.  My mom and sister have gone out of their way to help me work through the financial situation with which we have struggled for the past 2 years.  I know they look at me sometimes and wonder what is wrong with me and why I make the choices I make.  I have wondered the same thing, on many, many occasions.  All I can say is that part of the reason I have had the financial struggle is because I have had to struggle with other demons that have kept me from being able to go forward sometimes.  But I think I finally have a handle on all of emotions and I am done being helpless and paralyzed by fear.  Thanks for not judging me. 

I also want to thank my regular readers:  Miss Hope, Miss Pike, Kristi, Sports Mama, Queen of Chaos,  Deana, Denise, Tam, Trisha, Alepuz, Koni, Bandana Mom, Party of Six, Suzanne, all the other Boy Moms out there and the many, many other readers who stop by regularly to stay in touch and either commiserate or laugh at my endless conundrums.  I love and appreciate each and every one of you.  Even the chick who posts in whatever Asian language you write in.  I don't know what you are saying, but thanks for the effort.

Bear with me, people, I know this is starting to sound like an Academy Award speech.  I just need to do this while I am still  full of gratitude today.  Tomorrow might find me exhausted and grumpy again, with no desire to say anything nice to anybody.

I also want to thank the companies who have worked with me to offer products for my review and giveaways for my readers.  I have gotten to know many of you on a more personal level and have enjoyed making new friends (Maria and Amy and BSM Media, Jeff, Jason).  You have all been extremely helpful when I have asked for advice or help or even sponsorships.  It means a lot to me that you are willing to give me the opportunity to use my writing skills to help promote your products.  I work hard to give honest reviews and to let the people in my circle of influence know about who you are and what you have to offer in the way of products that are family friendly, I hope that my efforts have helped you as much as you have helped me.  It has been so rewarding and fun to share what you make and sell with the people around me, in my neighborhood and around the blogosphere.  The fact that I am kind of the "gal-in-the-know" who gets the cool hook-ups has shot me up the cool ladder about 8 rungs.  So thanks for helpin' a sistah get some street creds, guys. 

This post is getting long now and I can feel eyes glazing over as some of you keep reading and reading and reading and thinking "Oh my Gosh! Does she ever stop talking?" Nope. I don't. So I will wrap this post up for today and continue my gratitude post as Part 2 tomorrow. Lots of love and hugs to all my blog friends and family! Ya'll rock out loud!

I Know. I KNOW!! I Have Issues!

By now most of you know I have issues. I struggle with depression, organization, hormones, whatever. My issues revolve around handling life's challenges. So here's the thing. I'm having issues about having issues. I don't want to be a person who has major issues anymore. I don't want to be the person that everyone shakes their head about when I walk away, wondering if I'll ever get it together. I don't want to keep wondering if I'll ever get it together. I want to be free from issues. Issueless, if you will.

I realize that is a lofty goal, especially when I have kind of defined myself by my issues. So I am making a list of ways I might attack the problem of dealing with my issues. Some are practical, some are not. Let me know what you think.

Ways I might deal with my issues:

• Be on the Dr. Phil Show - He's always good for a dose of reality and some free counseling.
• Join an Issues Anonymous Program - 12 steps to an Issue-free life.
• Ask Congress for a grant for the study of how to release my Issues.
• Start blaming Blackie Chan the Ninja Cat for my Issues.
• Pretend like my Issues don't exist and walk through life in denial while treating everyone around me like crap (yeah - we all know of few of these people, right?)
• Buy one of the many miracle cures for Issues from a TV infomercial.
• Watch a gazillion movies, one after another, about people whose lives seriously sucked so I can feel better about my own Issues.
• Rat out a mob boss so I can be put into the Witness Protection Program and gain a new identity - preferably an identity with NO ISSUES!
• Talk to Britney Spears about her Issues, thereby numbing my brain to my own set of ridiculous problems.
• Eat a lot of stuff with Mercury and Aluminum in it so I will get Alzheimers and not remember I ever had Issues in the first place. (Not mocking Alzheimers - I know it is a horrible disease!)
• Go on the Jerry Springer show and throw a chair at someone who I think may be the cause of some of my Issues, then call the audience names and walk off the set.
• Become a politician - they seem to lose all grasp of reality when they get elected anyway, so maybe my Issues will disappear with my rationality and good sense once I hit Washington.
• Become an actress - see explanation for politicians, but substitute Washington for Hollywood.
• Just let them go. Look the Issues in the eye, acknowledge why they exist and then just let them go. Sounds too easy. But I'll keep it on the list.

Help! I've Fallen and I Can't Get Up!!

It's the New Year and I wanted to write this really great, funny, uplifting post today, but I'm afraid it's just not in me. I am struggling. It may have something to do with the fact that I have had the flu/cold twice now in a month. All I know is it's January 4th and I still don't have a clear direction for my family this year. We spent the entire year of 2008 struggling just to survive and I didn't want to start another year without some goals and direction. I shouldn't say we have no direction, we have some general ideas, but nothing concrete.

If you've been reading my blog for the last 6 months or if you happen to know me, you know that I am one of those people who is incomprehensively emotional. I attribute it to my wierd childhood and all of my "issues." Maybe that's an excuse. Maybe I would have been like this regardless of how I grew up. All I know is right now I feel retarded. I feel incapable. I feel like I have lost my ability to rise above the - whatever it is you are supposed to rise above - and move forward. We are stuck. My husband is stuck, I am stuck, we are stuck. Has anyone ever been in this place before? How did you get past it? 'Cause truthfully? I feel like if I don't find something soon, my head is going to explode!

Being here, stuck in this unproductive place, is causing me physical pain. It's like all of the sudden I am 8 years old again and I am being thrust into an adult world and being told to figure it out. Why aren't my coping skills kicking in? Why isn't my sense of logic and my desire to succeed pushing me past my fear and worry? Why can't I put together some kind of plan to help me and my family out of the mess we are in? Where has my confidence gone? WHERE IS THE ADULT ME WHO IS SUPPOSED TO BE STEPPING IN TO RESCUE THE KID ME RIGHT NOW?!?!?!

My husband, who is a good man but who is lost himself, is no help. If I have a carload of baggage, this man has a trainload. Not a full boxcar, an entire TRAIN. FULL. So yeah...unless some kind of miracle happens, which it could, I'm pretty much on my own here.

In fact, the whole reason we are here is because his issues attacked him and he shut down, which led mine to attack me and it's all I can do not to shut down and so we sit and pretend to have a conversation and try to make a plan, but neither one of us can actually shake loose long enough to put anything of real value into action. We just kind of go through the motions. Mostly I go through the motions. He is just kind of existing right now. I feel bad, I have nothing left to offer him. I can't help him...I can barely help myself and keep things going for the kids.

Wow! What a bummer of a post this is! Hey Internets, if you have nothing to feel bad about going into the new year, be sure and stop by Boymom's Blog. She'll complain at you until you feel just as depressed as she feels! Sorry. I am not trying to be Debbie Downer. I always said I would write what I feel on my blog though, so I will let the post stand for now, as this is my reality today.

So...I guess I'm asking for advice. Praying is always part of my process. So far, I am not hearing much back in that department, at least that I am recognizing. I feel completely paralyzed and lost. I know some of you won't get that. My mom is one of those people who never lets life get the best of her. I wish I could be more like that. She's able to keep her emotions from overcoming her to the point that she can't function. I don't know why I struggle with that. Mine seem to consume me. And now I am being drowned by them.

I would love to hear from any and all of you how you get through very difficult, uncertain circumstances without being so overwhelmed that you shut down. Seriously. Give me your secrets, your thoughts, your jokes, your pep talks, your butt chewings - whatever ya got. I'll read them all and be thankful for the efforts you make to share. Then I'll pull myself up by the bootstraps (Now I remembered that one, why can't I remember the rise above it thing?), even though I own no boots, and try to post something more positive this week!

Thanks for listening bloggy friends.