It's the New Year and I wanted to write this really great, funny, uplifting post today, but I'm afraid it's just not in me. I am struggling. It may have something to do with the fact that I have had the flu/cold twice now in a month. All I know is it's January 4th and I still don't have a clear direction for my family this year. We spent the entire year of 2008 struggling just to survive and I didn't want to start another year without some goals and direction. I shouldn't say we have no direction, we have some general ideas, but nothing concrete.
If you've been reading my blog for the last 6 months or if you happen to know me, you know that I am one of those people who is incomprehensively emotional. I attribute it to my wierd childhood and all of my "issues." Maybe that's an excuse. Maybe I would have been like this regardless of how I grew up. All I know is right now I feel retarded. I feel incapable. I feel like I have lost my ability to rise above the - whatever it is you are supposed to rise above - and move forward. We are stuck. My husband is stuck, I am stuck, we are stuck. Has anyone ever been in this place before? How did you get past it? 'Cause truthfully? I feel like if I don't find something soon, my head is going to explode!
Being here, stuck in this unproductive place, is causing me physical pain. It's like all of the sudden I am 8 years old again and I am being thrust into an adult world and being told to figure it out. Why aren't my coping skills kicking in? Why isn't my sense of logic and my desire to succeed pushing me past my fear and worry? Why can't I put together some kind of plan to help me and my family out of the mess we are in? Where has my confidence gone? WHERE IS THE ADULT ME WHO IS SUPPOSED TO BE STEPPING IN TO RESCUE THE KID ME RIGHT NOW?!?!?!
My husband, who is a good man but who is lost himself, is no help. If I have a carload of baggage, this man has a trainload. Not a full boxcar, an entire TRAIN. FULL. So yeah...unless some kind of miracle happens, which it could, I'm pretty much on my own here.
In fact, the whole reason we are here is because his issues attacked him and he shut down, which led mine to attack me and it's all I can do not to shut down and so we sit and pretend to have a conversation and try to make a plan, but neither one of us can actually shake loose long enough to put anything of real value into action. We just kind of go through the motions. Mostly I go through the motions. He is just kind of existing right now. I feel bad, I have nothing left to offer him. I can't help him...I can barely help myself and keep things going for the kids.
Wow! What a bummer of a post this is! Hey Internets, if you have nothing to feel bad about going into the new year, be sure and stop by Boymom's Blog. She'll complain at you until you feel just as depressed as she feels! Sorry. I am not trying to be Debbie Downer. I always said I would write what I feel on my blog though, so I will let the post stand for now, as this is my reality today.
So...I guess I'm asking for advice. Praying is always part of my process. So far, I am not hearing much back in that department, at least that I am recognizing. I feel completely paralyzed and lost. I know some of you won't get that. My mom is one of those people who never lets life get the best of her. I wish I could be more like that. She's able to keep her emotions from overcoming her to the point that she can't function. I don't know why I struggle with that. Mine seem to consume me. And now I am being drowned by them.
I would love to hear from any and all of you how you get through very difficult, uncertain circumstances without being so overwhelmed that you shut down. Seriously. Give me your secrets, your thoughts, your jokes, your pep talks, your butt chewings - whatever ya got. I'll read them all and be thankful for the efforts you make to share. Then I'll pull myself up by the bootstraps (Now I remembered that one, why can't I remember the rise above it thing?), even though I own no boots, and try to post something more positive this week!
Thanks for listening bloggy friends.
7 Comments:
Some times you just have to shut down. You have to turn it all off so you can just simply be. Not too long ago, I had something come up that I just couldn't deal with. It was like I was standing on the beach and I could see that tidal wave coming to the shore and I just stood there. And I can't swim worth a lick. So, I shut down. It was my way of coping and surviving so I could make it to the next minute.
I finally snapped past it but it wasn't easy.
As for prayers? I personally believe that when it comes to praying, especially for yourself, you need backup. You need others to pray on your behalf and help lift you up. I had that. I had friends I could call on and just tell them to pray. No explanations. No long drawn out conversations. Just pray for me. And they did.
And I will do the same for you. I will pray for you because I believe that when you reach that knot in the end of your rope or that deep dark valley....having someone care enough to pray for you means more than anything in the world.
Hang in there and even though I am basically a stranger? I'm only an email away and I have two good eyes to read and a heart that listens.
Praying for you......
I read your post... and I think, WOW... that's pretty transparent. It must be great to be that "real"... because the upside of being in the valley, is that you'll appreciate the mountain top when you get there. And get there you will... because prayer is the most powerful thing we've got.
Support from friends, church, and yes, even bloggy buddies is a good thing.
anytime... you have friends, some you've never even met face to face, that are only an email away!
Cyber Hugs...
Rachel
I don't have any super brilliant advice Geri, but I do think that realizing you are stuck is at least half the battle.
I do not know what sort of issues exactly you are facing and I don't know what all you've already tried to move forward. Let me just say that there have been periods in my life when because of various "issues" I have been majorly stuck. The best thing I ever did was go to therapy for a while. It took a few months of weekly therapy but my issues virtually disappeared. Once in a while I see them lurking about but now I am able to banish them by myself.
Also - having some sort of goals or plan is a great idea and keeps us focused, but sometimes, it's really hard to figure out what those goals, what realistic goals are, or how you can accomplish them until you can say goodbye to the issues and the heavy weight of everything that is keeping you from moving forward.
But like I said, recognition of a problem is half the battle, you're a totally capable intelligent and amazing person, you'll figure it all out, trust me.
I think many people go through this, especially after the holidays. When the days are gross and gray, that doesn't help either.
I don't have an real advice. Just know I've been there, it ain't fun, but I'll keep you in my prayers and hope it gets better for all ofyou.
Yep, prayer. A lot of it. It always makes me feel better thinking that Someone is on my side. Good luck to you. I know sometimes when I get down it takes a long time to get back up. And sometimes the holidays brings that out as well. Hopefully you'll start feeling back on track soon. Hugs.
Well, I rarely comment on a person's blog I don't know but it occurs to me that if you don't own a pair of boots,that may be your whole problem. They're terribly fashionable right now and can be found at very reasonable prices. Get yourself a nice pair of boots and then you'll never again forget to "rise above" because you'll be too darn gorgeous to do anything but...
Call me if you want. I love you. I wish you lived around the corner so I could come help you. Serve others. A kind word goes a long way.
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