My ManCub Isn't a Cub Anymore.

My kiddo isn't a kid any more! Twenty years ago he came into the world and I became a mother. He has blessed our lives with his happy and calm spirit every day since then.

He is hilarious, handsome, kind, intelligent and weirdly wise for a young man of his age. 

Tanner is an old soul.  His spirit sees and understands things far beyond his earthly years.

He's a deep thinker, this one. And those thoughts can lead to some pretty profound conclusions sometimes.

His capacity to love and forgive make me try harder to be a better person every day. Most days I feel like parenting through the lens of trauma that I still work through has wrecked my boys.

But then my oldest - my Golden Bear - he shows up with his kind and gentle ways and I get to see that, despite my messy guidance, he's growing up to be a really amazing person. 

And I feel some redemption. Happy Birthday, Tanner! Thanks for 20 years of unconditional love and joy! ❤

Birthday Gift FAIL

Here's what my husband gave me for my birthday today-

Sunflowers are one of my most favorite flowers.  I absolutely adore them.

Here's what I gave him for his birthday last week -

FAIL!

His gift was so romantic and thoughtful.  Mine was really practical and well...NOT romantic. 

I think I need to regroup for Father's Day and try again.

Little Man Needs a New Nickname

Little Man had a birthday this week and I every time I look at him I am reminded that his "little boy" stage is rapidly coming to a halt. 

Until he does something like this: 

Then I wonder if he'll ever grow up. 

Somedays I really need him to grow up because things like fighting with him over taking a shower when he smells like a wet dog just gets old.  Other days, when he looks like this: 

I wish he could stay my Little Man forever.  Then he wakes up.

Truth be told, Little Man really is an amazing creature.  He is the quintessential little boy.  He loves dirt and creatures and rocks and animals and wierd looking, stinky things and nature.  He is kind to his friends, he loves his family and he has a wicked sense of humor.  He is the kind of kid who challenges his mama with his boyish nature, and sometimes he makes me so mad I could spit.  Then the second he realizes he's crossed a line or hurt my feelings or trashed my dryer with his "rock tumbling" experiment, he will hug my neck so hard that I feel his little heart through his chest.  His remorse is so real and so heartfelt that I can't stay mad.  Because that heart is so pure and innocent and loving that to stay mad at him for being who he is?  Would ruin who he is.  So who is he?  He is an amazing gift from a loving Heavenly Father who knew that I would need someone in my life who can love me wholeheartedly, without condition, regardless of my weight, my haircut or my lack of patience with curious, active little boys. 

He is my Little Man...at least for a few more years.   

       

Where Did My Little Boy Go?

This post is late.  About 4 weeks late.  Man how the time flies!  Is it just me or does it seem like the days go by in a matter of just a few hours lately??

Eleven years ago in the middle of August, I had my first baby boy.  He was the easiest, most well behaved, happy little baby I had ever had the pleasure to know.  And he was mine.  I still remember the overwhelming love that rushed into my heart when I saw my son for the first time.  I used to waste hour after hour just staring at him and watching him and talking to him and loving him.  He was, for me, the perfect little dude. 

Back then, he looked like this:

Now he looks like this!

It seems like the little boy in him is trying his hardest to escape and run away.  In his place?  I find this giant Man-Child who is only a few inches shorter than me with feet the size of a small Sasquatch!!  Inside of his growing body are hormones that have turned my normally relaxed little kid into a frustrated wanna-be man.  Not old enough to hang out with the teenagers, but too old to hang out with the little kids.  Not old enough to watch certain TV shows or movies, but too old for many of the cartoons he used to love.  It's a tough place to be, for him and for me.  We have lots of issues now that we didn't have before, because he feels the need to voice his opinion A LOT more than he used to.  He's struggling with delivering his disdain for our rules in an appropriate manner.   We are struggling with the fact that he is struggling. 

I wasn't prepared for this stage of his life.  I didn't really know who he would be heading into puberty.  I didn't realize that his normally laid back personality would change so much!  Of course, I am recognizing that part of his discomfort and lack of enthusiasm these days in due in part to the fact that more and more expectations are being put upon him as he ages.  Big Brother isn't a guy who thrives on challenges.  He likes his livin' easy.  He prefers a slower pace with lots of social interaction.  And he prefers that social interaction to take place without his parents present.  It seems we block his Chi or something. 

His independence is nothing new.   He's always been comfortable being by himself and he was the one who was happy to start school and have his "me" time away from mom.  I want him to be able to be independent.  But I want him to be aware too!  Big Brother doesn't always get that simply being away from Mom and Dad doesn't make you independent and functional.  He thinks things will just kind of take care of themselves.  It's one thing to think you can handle life on your own because YOU think you're smart enough to deal with challenge.  It's another to be fully aware that, at times, life will be tough and in order to successfully navigate it emotionally intact and independently, you need to be truly prepared with proper coping skills.  I'm not quite sure he's ready to make some of the decisions he will have to make about who he hangs out with and whether or not he will participate in questionable activities, ya know?  There's so much he still doesn't know.  He just doesn't know that he doesn't know it yet.  I know what he doesn't know though, because I flew out of my childhood nest completely unprepared for what the world was really like.  I found it to be a pretty brutal and unforgiving place when I was young, because I really believed that everyone around me was who they said they were.  Unfortunately, people aren't always honest and a lot of those people have no problem preying on naive, kind-hearted teenagers who are looking for acceptance.  Funny thing is?  I think I was a lot like my son.  I thought I was pretty world-wise and could handle just about anything or anyone.  Turns out I couldn't.  And some of my choices (or lack of action) left some pretty big emotional scars.  So I worry about Big Brother.   

But...Big Brother is growing up.  And because he is growing up?  I have to grow up.   Maybe that's what all this melancholy I feel is really about.  I should rejoice that he is growing up and becoming a wonderful young man, because he really is a wonderful young man.  He is kind and loving.  He loves to experience new things.  He has this really incredible laugh.  And he is working so hard to find himself.  I should be happy.  But I'll be honest.  I don't know that I am that much more emotionally mature than my son is.  He is actually striving to be a mature adult!  I think I spend half of my time running away from that concept!  How can I help him be the man he needs to be to have a full and happy life when I can't even figure out how to have a full and happy life of my own!?

My son, my small man, turned 11 this year.  He reminds me every day that when I chose to be a mother, I chose to help another human being come into this world and make a life for himself.  He's reached the age where I am way out of my comfort level when it comes to answering his questions and teaching him the life skills he'll so desperately need to function well in the world.  I've reached the end of my skill set. So I worry.  Because I'm not sure I can stay ahead of the curve enough to make sure he always has a well-adjusted parent available to offer support and  guidance and direction.  I have to step up my game now - big time!  And I'm really feeling the pressure. 

Big Brother is Growing Up

Big Brother turned 10 yesterday. It was a good birthday. We spent the day together with his friends seeing a movie with lots of military guys and explosions. His kind of flick. Then we ate pizza. His kind of food. And to finish the day, the boys had a big afternoon at the pool. His kind of exercise. So it was easy for me. My kind of party.

As I watched him throughout the day, my mind was flooded with memories of him from the last 10 years. Here are a few of my favorites:

• Big Brother loved his Winnie the Pooh Bear. We had it in his crib when he was born and he immediately bonded with that bear. He loved it, he hugged it, he talked to it, he needed it. When the bear got left somewhere, we had to go back and get it. He rubbed part of the fur off of the paw because he would rub his mouth and nose with the paw to relax or go to sleep. Bear was his stress relief. We loved bear too. Bear was the embodiment of Big Brother. Bear was cuddly and soft and happy and comforting. Just like Big Brother. They were a package deal...where there was one, there was the other. When Little Man came along and started to be aware of Bear, he was always "borrowing" him. The problem was that Little Man did not necessarily care about where he left Bear when he was done with him. One day we took a wagon ride, with Big Brother pulling and Little Man riding in the wagon with Bear. Somehow, somewhere during the ride, Little Man tossed Bear out of the wagon. We didn't notice until that afternoon that Bear was gone. When we finally realized what had happened and feverishly retraced our path, Bear was nowhere to be found. We even put up "missing" posters with Bear's picture. Bear was never recovered. Big Brother shed a few tears and we gave him a stuffed rabbit to sleep with that night and he got over the whole thing in a matter of a day or two. Big Man and I however, still mourn the loss of Bear. It was like we lost part of Big Brother when we lost Bear.

• When Big Brother was little, I was always worried about him choking on his food. He would eat fast and not always chew good. So sometimes he would kind of cough or gag on a big bite and I would always panic and ask him if he was choking. (My husband teases me about the asking thing, but I was trained in CPR as a hostess at a steakhouse - people always choke on meat! - and that's one of the first things they teach is ask the person if they are choking before you do anything. Google it. Anyway, like a toddler would know or even answer, but it's what I did and I was a new mom, so give me a break!) So apparently I asked him if he was choking alot because one day we stopped to get an Icee while we were driving home and I looked over to see Big Brother holding his head and making these twisted, painful faces. "You okay, buddy?" I asked. He looks up at me with this squished up face and says "I choking. I choking. My head, Mommy! I choking." I immediately recognized the signs of Brain Freeze and busted up laughing. He looked back at me, kind of puzzled..."I okay?"

Yep Big Brother. Yer better than okay. You are the most amazing boy any mother could ask for and you have brought me more joy in 10 short years than I have experienced in my entire 45 years of life. Because of you, I am a better person (and yes, a little fatter...you forgot to take your house - my stretched out belly - with you when you were born). I try harder and I love deeper. You are kind and forgiving and accepting and loving and funny and you light up the world when you smile. While I have had the greatest honor of bringing you into this world, you have given me so much more...You gave me life, son.

Happy Birthday Big Brother.

I'm no Padme

We went to see the new Star Wars movie for Big Brother's birthday. He took a few of his friends.

Can I just go on record as saying I am done with the whole Star Wars thing? That was the longest movie of my life! I'm done!! I have zero Star Wars love. Star Wars has SUCKED THE LIFE OUT OF ME!!

But my kid had a good time, so I guess it was worth it...making memories, right?




Now George Lucas needs to make a REAL LIFE version of what life on the Death Star would really be like:



C'mon George, a little reality TV style Star Wars!!