When One Door Closes...You Go Home and Cry and Then Watch Friends for 2 Days While You Reevaluate Your Life Choices

Do you remember that time when you thought your life was really starting to take a turn for the positive and then the world slammed that door shut right in your face? Yeah, me too.  Sigh.  Good times.  Gooood times.

Except you know what? I'm weirdly okay.  I mean, yeah, I did have a big cry session and got really depressed for few days. But overall, after the initial shock, I don't feel as horrible as I thought I would that I was laid off after 5 months. It's a start up company.  There are growing pains. Like budget cuts. And I was a casualty.  But I put everything I had into being successful there and I made really good friends. So, I really don't have anything to feel bad about with regard to my performance there, other than I should have stepped out of my comfort zone a little quicker to learn the job functions of other areas in the company so that I had more value. But honestly, as jobs go, I worked my butt off at this one. And it just didn't pay off this time.  What can you do?

But I wasn't prepared for the end, so I have found myself struggling to regroup in terms of next steps. Mostly because I'm not in the mood to go back to the traditional working mom role again. The one where I leave for 12 hours a day and give someone else everything I have to give so the company can make a lot of money and then come home exhausted, with nothing left to give to my family.  I don't like that kind of existence. I don't mind working.  I love using my time and talents to help a company grow! I'm just really ready to do something that's fulfilling with a company that really, truly recognizes that I can't leave every ounce of my being on the work table, because I have to have some left for my family. 

So, while I have spent the last month and a half looking for a job that's a really great fit, I am also trying really, really hard to enjoy the time I have to think about what will make me whole and happy.  I've also tried really hard to enjoy my boys and savor every unhurried moment I have with them, because they will be gone in a few short years and I won't get this time back. I'm trying to make sure we talk about exploring their options after high school and spend lots of time talking with them about dreams and ambitions.  That way when life gets hard for them after they leave home, I can recall with them our little day trips and conversations and remind them that they have a plan. I can bring back the memories we are making right now to encourage them to stay focused on goals, so they CAN create the kind of life they want. The kind of life that makes them feel whole and happy and fulfilled. The kind of life I have struggled to create for myself for the last 50 years.

And as I write this, it occurs to me that I think I have actually found a job that is the perfect fit for me right now. I get to be a tuned-in, focused mom again. Sometimes the door closes and things come to an end for a reason. Until this very second, I didn't grasp the fact that I'm where I need to be, doing exactly what I need to be doing at this moment.

Also, I have more time to binge watch FRIENDS. Because honestly...how can this not make you feel better?

via GIPHY

I'm HOME again!! For a few weeks anyway...

I made it!  My Census job is done and while I am sad at how the whole "ending" thing went down, I can honestly say that I am completely relieved to be done with the drive and the 2nd shift schedule.  Sometime I will go into detail about the pros and cons of working at the Census.  Right now, none of that matters.  What matters is that I am back home and have had 3 glorious days of time with my family.  Kind of.  Actually, my husband has been working the entire weekend, so I haven't seen him much, but the work is good, because it is the first real job his demolition business has had since he started it a few months ago.  YAY!!!  Whoo-hoo!! 

And the weekend hasn't necessarily been glorious.  It has been...well...it's life.  Injured kids, housework, bills.  All that stuff that makes work seem like a good place to be some days.  So maybe glorious is the wrong word. I'm not sure I have the right word to explain how I have felt the last few days, as I fold clothes and load the dishwasher.  I just know I'm home. You know that feeling?  The one that makes you feel like you are right where you should be, even if your circumstances are chaotic and stressful?  That's what my weekend felt like. 

I have to be truthful though...it took me a few hours to get to the point where I was glad to be home.  When I woke up Friday morning it was the most awesome feeling in the world...no work today!  Then I opened my eyes.  The house looks like a bomb hit it.  There are dishes and clothes everywhere.  I don't have a clue what's dirty and clean with the clothes, so I'm spending hours rewashing and folding and putting things away.  The bathrooms are seriously in need of a major hosing down.  Like with a fire hose. 

But inspite of all the extra housework I have to do, along with finding a new job?  It feels so nice to be here and to be needed.  My house needs my attention.  My kids need my attention.  My husband needs my attention.  I feel like I have worth and value as a wife and stay-at-home mom that I never felt before.  My people actually appreciate me!  My kids hug me...like all day long.  For no reason.  They just walk up and hug me and tell me they love me.  My husband thanks me for trying so hard to get the house back into shape.  (Funny, it was never in that great of shape to begin with, but it really looks bad now!)  Everyone is so excited that I went grocery shopping and that there is actually food in the house again!   

Now I'm not stupid.  I know the appreciation won't last.  My being home all day again is still new.  In about a week (maybe two if I work really hard to stretch it out) I will no longer be a novelty in our house and things will go back to the normal lack of attention and proper appreciation.  But a woman can hope, can't she?  And in the meantime, I am going to suck up all of the praise and glory I can from my male family members and remind them constantly about how lucky they are that I have a few weeks off between jobs to nag and complain at them and make them do chores care for them and nurture them and teach them. 

So...I'm back home.  For a few weeks.  And the house is a wreck and my kids need haircuts and my husband is working 2 jobs and life is...normal again.  I'm kinda diggin' on that.